LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 

TsG^^-5 — ■ 

Chap. Copyright No....____. 

ShelL___/ V]_l c 7 



UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



f 



II 



SUMMER 
OUTING . 




Copyrighted by 
OLIVER GUYMAGEE. 



H Summer 



;®uting- 



A FARCE-COMEDY IN THREE ACTS, 



By Olivei' Gtiy fl^a^ee. 



OCT 80 ^^9^ 



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^I^^*^"^ 



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181)G. 



JONES &MAGEE. 
SIOUX CITY. IOWA. 



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,^1 ' ' 



Oiiitet Gixy J^sl^^z's 

GAYEST AND HAPPIEST FARCE-COMEDY, 

Summer 
©uting. 



THE REGISTER: 

THE WONDER WORKER, Prof. Lectric Carr, an inventor and 

a hot tamale, 

THE WINGLESS ANGEL, Otto Sight, his cousin 

THE MERRY HOST. Herrmann Pumpernickel, 

THE LEARNED LAWYER, Fuller Tawk, his name an index 

to his character, 

THE BELL BOY, Hall Work, also elevator boy, with many ups 

and downs in life, 

( Ben Thayer, 

THE THREE HOBOES FROM HOBOKEN, ] Howland Yell, . . 

( Hooper Upp,. .. 
THE NEGRO SERVANT, Cole Black, out for the dust with 

a duster, ; 

THE GOOD SHEPHERD, Rev. Goodas Canby, 

THE SWEET CORRESPONDENT, Adeline More, 

THE SHY COQUETTE, Lotta Fellers, 

THE GAY COMPANION, Helena Bandbox, 

THE ONLY ONE, Elizabeth Unit, doing the natives as "Miss 

Fitt," 



2 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

yNHY WE LOWER THE CURTAIN. 

Act I -Lobby of the Porter House, the summer hotel at Brights- 
ville-on-the-Hudson. "The City Crowd on A Summer Outmg. 
Act IL-The inventor's room at the Porter House. "The prom- 

''ActTlL-In Florida, the Land of Flowers. "The Village Crowd 
on A Summer Outing." Tableau L— Vestibule of the Mugg 
Mansion, on the banks of the St. Johns River. Morning. Tableau 

n Mugg Mansion's vestibule, on the St. Johns River s banks- 

Afternoon. Tableau HL On the banks of the River St. Johns- 
Vestibule of the Mansion of the Mugg's. Evening. 

Bet ir. 

Office of the Porter House, the Summer Hotel. 

[At rise, the Three Hoboes from Hoboken discovered seated in 
office, while Herrmann P. reads newspaper behind desk.] 

Hooper Upp: [Looking up from paper he, also, is reading.] 1 
see by th' "Bugle" thet it's gittin' so all-fired hot an' dry in some 
parts o' th' kentry, thet there wunt nothin' grow this year. Now 

^^i^^mann : [Leaning elbows on desk.] Shiminy Ghris'mas ! 
Vv dot don'dt vos somedings ad all. mine gind friendts. 
Vy in some bortions off der Vest, dot croundt iss alvays so try 
undt baked undthardt dot nodings vill grow in any lengt off 
dimes, much less ein year, ain'dt id? ^ , ^ 

Ben Thayer: [In a piping voice.] Well, ef I owned enny land 

like that, I'd irrigate ! . tj^„,„^ 

[Hooper and Howland immediately spring up. sieze Ben and 

drag him toward sample-room.] .^ v. .^ • • *^. 

Hoop, and Howl. : He said he'd irrigate ! He said he d irrigate . 
Come on, Herrmann, we're goin' t' th' bar' t' irrigate. ^ ,., ,. 

Ben: (Pulling back) Say, I meant irrigate th' land; I didn t 

hevnoideeuv 

Hoop, and Howl.: (All returning to seats,) Oh. yew 

""^ He^'r^^'Ttell you vot I doo, poys: I fill shoodt dot irrigation 

^''^T.^H^Tot waiting for him to finish, rising similtaniously, 
and come down two steps, saying proudly) 
^ T H • We're the three hoboes, and we can't refuse a drink. 

Her, "(Finishing.) Off one off you vill lendt me a dime. I 

vas a leedle shordt off cash, don'dt id? , ^i , ^ rFn 

T H (Immediately flop into chairs and snore loudly.) (l^n- 
ter Fuller Tawk. He bustles up to desk, slaps valise down on the 
floor, and rests hands lightly on counter.) 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." . 3 

Fuller Tawk : Is this the hotel proprietor? 

Her: Yets, sir. Vot gould I doo for mienselluf ? 

Fuller: B-b-b-r-r! Well, I am here on business. In the first 
place, sir, in the first place, my name is Fuller Tawk, and I'm a 
lawyer, sir, a lawyer from the city, and — 

Her: [Hurriedly.] Cheese undt grackers! A lawyer? Choost 
oxcoose me for ein moment ! 

[He turns and removes watch and other articles of value from 
person, and places in safe, carefully locking latter. Then again 
iurnsto Ful., who has been reading newspaper.] 

Her: Now, Meester Dalk, I vos retty soo 

Ful: B-b-b-r-r-r! I understand, sir, I understand. And now to 
precede. I will come to the point at once. I am here in the vil- 
age of Brightsville in search of a man by the name of Prof. Lec- 
tric Carr. Do you know of any such person? 

Her : Prof. Legtrig Garr ? Veil, dot soundts gind off familiarity, 
bud I gouldn't recollect chust now any von by dot names. But 
vy doo I atsk? 

Fuller: I'll tell you the whole story, sir, the whole story, be- 
cause you may-be able to supply me with valuable information. 
You see an eccentric old bachelor by the name of Earnest Mugg 
died, a short time ago, in New York city, leaving a very peculiar 
will, sir, a very peculiar will. Now by the conditions of the said 

will, a certain Otto Sight and a certain But to save time, I may 

as well read you the will itself, of which I have an exact copy- 
[Produces legal-looking document.] B-b-b-r-r-r! Now, the last 
will and testament of the late Earnest Mugg is as follows, my dear 
sir, precisely as follows : 

"First, I do hereby give, devise and bequeath to the Fat Men's 
Club of New York, the sum of one thousand dollars in gold, to 
be used in furnishing the apartments of that order. | 

"Second, I do hereby reserve and set aside ten thousand dollars 
for the establishment and promotion of an Independent Society 
for the Prevention of Cruelity to Old Bachelors; the said society 
to consist only of unmarried men, and its aim to be, as its name 
implies, the prevention of the malicious persecution of old bach- 
elors by young and heartless females. 

"And last, I do hereby give, devise, and bequeath the entire 
residue of all my property and possessions, real, personal, and 
mixed, of what nature and kind soever, and wheresoever the 
same shall be at the time of my death, to the one of my two neph- 
ews, Otto Sight and Prof. Lectric Carr, an inventor, who shall 
first win the hand and heart of my first, last, and only female 
friend. Miss Elizabeth Unit, of New York city; each of the above- 
named nephews, Otto Sight and Prof. Lectric Carr, to leave* 

efore paying addresses to the lady, on A Summer Outing with a 



4 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

small party, for recreative and rejuvenating purposes, within the 
first summer season which shall follow my decease. In case 
Miss Unit should refuse for any reason whatsoever, be it love', 
duty, or otherwise that prompts her, to marry either of my said 
nephews, the entire residue of all my property, real, personal, 
and mixed, shall be equally divided among the several charitable 
institutions of New York City." 
[Ful. slaps will, folds up, and returns to pocket.) 
P'ul : There ! That is essentially the entire will, though the 
old gentleman went on to name his executors, etc. But you will 
now understand, sir, you will now understand why I am in search 
of Prof. Lectric Carr. To all of my knowledge, this person has 
not yet heard of the death of his uncle, or the provisions of the 
will; nor are his exact whereabouts known to the executors. And 
I, sir, I, Fuller Tawk, being commissioned by the said executors 
to search for and find him, am therefore and for that reason now 
present in the village of Brightsville. From numerous skillful 
inquiries, I have acquired the knowledge that though in his ex- 
treme youth he was a resident of New York City, he rambled 
considerably, and when last heard of was in this village. Now, 

my dear sir, have you any idea where I may find him? And 

to speak the truth, do you really know of any such person as Prof- 
Lectric Carr? 

Her: (Pondering.) Brodefressor Legtrig Garr, eh? Garr! 
Garr! Garr! Led me fought abowid dot! Dere vos Freight 
Garr, undt Shleebing Garr, undt Dining Garr, undt Vestibul 

Garr, undt Fladt Garr Oh-h, yaa! Py Chim ! Dit you vos 

saidt he issein infentor? 
Ful : So the will states. But have— — 

Her: Den I kess I vos got him logated. Dere iss a cerdain 
gurious guss in Prightsfille who iss chenerally known as "Flat" 

Garr, undt he iss ein infentor. Flat Garr, galled "Flat" on 

aggount off hiss bocket-boog. So he must pe your man. I dink 
mel rememper, now, off hiss vonce delling me hiss name Leg- 
drig Garr iss. You see, he hass hiss shob in dot room right 
abofe der ofiitce, here, undt he bays for id py gifing me shmall 

bud useful infentions, undt 

(At this moment Hall Work rushes in with telegram, and exits.) 

Her : (Opening envelope.) Adelegram! Cheese undt grack- 

ers! I wonter who disgan pe from. (Reads.) "With party of 

three, will be at your place on9:30 train on A Summer Outing. 

Reserve sooms. - Signed, Otto Sight." 

Ful: (Exitedly.) Otto Sight! Why, that's one of the neph- 
ews named in the will, and a cousin to Lectric Carr. So he's 
coming here on the Summer Outing required in the will, eh? 
(Consults watch.) Great Scott! The9:30train is due here in a 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING. " 5 

very'short time. It will be necessary for me to notify the inven- 
tor quickly, so that he may have an equal opportunity with the 
other fellow. You say this Flat Carr, as you call him, rooms 
right above this office? 

Her : Yets, sir. 

Ful : And is he at this moment in his room ? 

Her.: Veil, I supbose he iss, bud he nefer allows himself soo pe 
disturbed ven he iss voiking. Now, he vill pe town bretty guick, 
alretty, undt maype you petter vaita leedle, don'dt id? 

Ful: Well, well, I'll go out and have a look at your village, 
and will be back soon. He'll be down in half an hour, I suppose? 

Her: Yaa, I kess so. 

Ful: Well, I'll leave my grip here, then, till I return. I thank 
you very much for the important information you have given me, 
ray dear sir, and I tell you truly, Bir, truly, that it is through you 
alone that I have at last located the inventor, for I had almost 
dispaired of ever finding him. It's all right.— —I'll see him 
through. 

(Exit Fuller. L.) 

Her: Oh, you vos extirely velcome soo dot informations. 
(Aside) I'll chust charch him oop mid dot ven I gif him his pill. 
(Makes a note of it.) Say, vake oop, you vellers, (to T. H.) undt 
carry oop stairs dose trunks vot vos chust gome for yesterday's 
arrifals. (T. H. snore loudly.) 

[Fuller Tawk steps out of L.] 

Ful. Have a drink witli me, boys? ^ 

(T. H. exit L., with speed. || 

iHerrmann, left alone, opens safe, removes watch, etc., and re- 
places upon person. Voices and clinking of glasses emnate from 
sample room, L.il 

First voice, (Ben Thayer) : Say, that wus a great fish story 
Flat Carr wuz a-tellin' last night. 

Second voice, (Ful.) : B-b-b-r-r-r! A new fish story? ;Hum! 
what is it? 

First voice: W'y, he said he an' a frien' wuz fishin' all day 
Sunday an' never drinked a drop. He ! he ! he !. 

(Loud laughs, clinking of glasses) 

Her: (Looking up from paper he has been reading.) Shim- 
iney Ghristmas ! I kess me dem vellers vos a goot dimes having 
alretty, don'dt it? Here dey gomes now! 

(Enter T. H., L, wiping lips on handkerchiefs.) 

Her : Say, vere vos dot law sharp, don'dt id? 

Ben Thayer: Oh, he's gone down tew see wot kind of a 
place that is where Flat Carr wuz a-fishin' last Sunday. 

(T. H. laugh and sit down.) 

Her: !|Consulting watchll Veil. I vonder ven dot cidy growd 



6 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

vouldt got here, alretty. Dot drain moost pe 

(Faint laugh without. Turn to door.) 

Her : Py chim ! You pet me my life I dink dot iss der cidy 
growd now. I shase meinselluf oudt undt see. 

(Runs to door and looks along driveway. Quick music, faint 
at first.) 

Her: (Waveing arms) Dey vos gomin' ! dey vos comin' ! Here 
vos the cldy crowd on a Summer Outing ! 

(T. H. rush outside. Music loud. Laughter and voices loud. 
Hall Work comes in wheeling little trunk on big truck. Throws 
trunk in L. door— great crash of glass— then follows in with the 
truck. Enter the City Crowd, led by Otto Sight, the Hoboes and 
Herrmann following. Her. goes behind desk and turns on elec- 
tric stud in shirt bosom. Hoboes crowd about the newcomers.) 

Otto Sight: (Removing cigar from mouth) Well, we're at last. 
Have you 

MissFitt: (Pushing him aside.] Yes, we are here. Particularly 
myself. I am here. How's the boy? 

Her: Eh? Votpoy? 

M. F: Where are our rooms? 

Her: Dey vos all retty, I dinks, ain'dt id? Yaa, I kess so. 

M .F : Well, how about the boy ? 

Her: Derpoy! 

M.F: Yes, the boy. 

Her: Veil, vot vos I dalkin' abowit, anyhow? 

M.F: (As she walks around and gets a sight of sign, "Whistle 
Parlor," over bar-room door.) Well, what in the world does that 
sign mean? I never saw anything like it in my life before, and 
I've lived right in the city ever since I was a child. 

[During conversation, exit T.H., L. 

Her: Oh, dot? Vy, dot issder Vistle Barlor, vere dose guests 
vet deir vistles. Dot names iss von oflf Flat Garr's inf entions. 

M.F: Flat Carr! Oh, is that the boy? 

Her: Veil, he Now see here, I don'dt know any poy! 

Undershoodt dot ! Flat Garr iss really Brodefressor Leg 

(Explosion above, cracking of plaster and dropping of laths. 
Prof. Lectric Carr drops through forced hole in ceiling, and lands 
upon office floor. Enter T.H.,L. Silence for a moment, during 
which time, Prof, glances fitfully about. ) 

Prof. Lectric Carr: Well, that's the time I took a drop too 
much! 

(He is pulled to feet.) 

The Girls : Oh, my ! is he hurt?— Is he seriously injured? Will 
he recover? etc., etc., etc. 

Her: For gootness sake, Flat, wot vos dot oxplosions? 

Prof: I was just experimenting with my latest invention for 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 7 

preventing a woman from talking a man to death when he is 
reading his newspaper. The theme was too strong for the ap- 
paratus and the thing exploded. 

The Ladies: [In chorus. j Oh, you horrid man ! 

Her: Mein cracious, Brodefressor, was you hurdt, 

Prof : Hurt ! Well, no ; I think not. 

Her: Dit dot oxplosions do much tamage py dot room opp- 
stairs? 

Prof: Well, I don't know. I was in such a hurry when I came 
down that I didn't stop to see. I'll go up and find out, right 
away. 

[Exit, stairway, to snare-drum beats.] 

Otto: [Staring after him in astonishment, as do the rest of the 
City Crowd.] Well, who, in the name of goodness, is that queer 
old freak? 

Her: Oh, dot vos Legtrig Garr, der infentor. [Ot. starts.] He 
hass oxplosions abowit dwice a veek. alretty. Vy, only day pe- 
fore yetstiddy, he plowed in some money, undt 

Ot: Well, all right, all right; you don't need to talk all day 
about the old fool. Give us our rooms. We're slightly tired 
after our long journey from the city, and want a chance to rest, 
while you are only making us more fatigued. 

Her: Veil, you don't need soo get so madt abowit id. (Taps 
bell.] 

M.F: Oh, don't mind him. He's positively the most disagree- 
able man I ever met. 

[Enter Hall Work, L.] 

Her : Here, poy , show 

M.F: Oh, is this the boy? Why, hello, boy. Why, isn't he 
a nice boy! 

Her : Say, I vish you vould gif me some rest on dot poy qusi- 
ness; I don'dt gould understoodt dot ad. Hall, all you hake dese 
beople OOP soo deir rooms. I haf put dem all on der nort' side off 
der house. Dey are so fresh I vos me afraidt dey vouldt shpoil 
if dey vos put vhere it varm iss. (Hands him keys, taps bell vigor- 
ously.) Now, shkip avay quick oudt, alretty. 

(Hall starts toward stairway, followed by the City Crowd, with 
the exception of Adeline More, who lingers for a moment at the 
desk.) 

Adeline: (Confidingly) If there are any letters for me in the 
next mail, be sure to send them up, Mr. Pumpernickel, for, though 
I am only a mere child, (archly) I carry on a large city cor- 
respondence. 

[She laughs. Hurries back in time to catch others at foot of 
stairs. Lotta Fellers then tiptoes to desk with finger on lips.] 

Lotta: Oh, do you know, Mr. Proprietor, I do so want to ask 



8 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

you one little question; Are there any nice young men about the 
hotel? 

Her; IIGrinning broadly.!! You pet mj^ life I know some nice_ 
young men. 

Lot Oh, I'm so glad! Nice young men are absolutely' 

essary to my existence; they sort of liven up things, you 

know. (Laughs giddily, and exit, stairs.) 

Her: Any nice young men, eh? Veil, dotgifs me a chance, 

ain'dt id? Py Chim ! bud dot girl vos 

[Enter Ful., rear.] 

[Her. again removes watch and chain and places in safe. Then 
siezes broom and sweeps away debris from explosion.] 

Ful: B-b-b-r-r-r! My German friend, have you seen anything 
of Prof. Lectric Carr, of whom I am in search? 

Her: Yets, sir. He dropped in chust a foo minutes ago. I kess 
he pe pack preddy guick, ain'dt id? 

Ful: Very well, my dear sir, very well. Did you mention to 
him any hint of 

[Just then a sharp whistle and tapping of cane is heard on stair- 
landing above, and out of sight.] 

Her: Dot's der Brodefressor now. [Calling.] Veil, vot it iss? 

Voice from Stairway [Prof.] : The explosion didn't hurt any- 
thing. The music seems to be all sound, the butter's as strong as 
ever, and the safe's sale. 

Her: Allrighdt. Fall down stairs;dere's a man here to see you. 

[Prof, comes down and stands on lower landing.] 

Prof; What is it? More people about money. 

Ful: Precisely, sir, precisely. More people about money. 
How did you guess it so well? 

Prof: Well, who are you? 

Ful: My name is Fuller Tawk, sir. Fuller Tawk, and I am a 
lawyer from the city. 

Prof: A lawyer! Excuse me a moment ! 

[Orch. plays strain from "Johnny Fill Up the Bowl", and Prof, 
marches out, L. Repeats, and he re-enters, wiping lips on sleeve. || 

Prof : liHolding up hands.!! I left my pocket-book up on the 
time table. Whose bill are you hired to collect? 

Ful: You misunderstand my mission, sir,-you do, really. lam 

here not to collect money, but to 

|!Enter Ot., st'w'y. Taps Ful.'s arm.!| 

Ot: Hum! Excuse me, gentlemen. Mr. Tawk, I never had 
the honor of an introduction to you, but I know you just the 
same, and I take the liberty of asking your company in a little 
sight-seeing trip about the village. 

Ful: IJColdly.!! I have already viewed all the points worth 
visiting. 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

Ot : Then allow me to suggest a cocktail. 

Ful: B-b-b-r-r-r! It would be an insult to refuse your invi- 
tation. Excuse me, Mr. Carr, I will return presently and resume 
the conversation we have begun. 

[Exit Ot. and Ful., L.] 

Her: [Gazing after.] I pet my life dot Oddo Sight vos chust 
dryin'soo keep dot lawyer from dellin' der Brodefressor abowit 
dot villas long as he gan, so as to finish his Summer Ouding pe- 
fore Flat knows anydings abowit id. (To Prof.) Dot Oddo Sight 
vos so disacreeable dot efery dimes he gomes into der ofRtce, he 
gifs me a goldt chill. Donnerwetter ! I wos got one now. 

Prof : Well, come right over to the register and get warm. Say, 
gimme a cigar. 

Her: Veil, I Here gomes der poys. 

[Enter T. H., rear.] 

Ben: Well, we're in trouble ag'in, by crickey ! 

Her: Veil, vot iss der madder now? 

Ben Thayer: The lease on the house we're livin' in hez run 
out and we can't find another house t' suit us. 

Her: Iss dot all, I kess me I gan fix you oudt, ain'dt id? 
Brodefessor, dese fellers vant a house. 

Prof: Well, all right, what kind of a house do they want? 
[Goes behind'desk and prepares to write in register .] 

Her: He says vot kindt of a house do you vant. Do you vant 
a white house or a green house? 

Ben : A white house like Bill McKinley's. 

Prof: [Repeats, writing.) A white house. 

Her : Vill you haf der roof on top off der house ? 

Ben: Yes. 

Prof: Shingles on the outside, I s'pose? 

Her: Yets, shingles on der oudtside. And do you want square 
rooms? 

Ben: Yes. 

Her: Square rooms, Flat. 

Porf ; Does he want three or four walls to the square rooms? 

Ben. Four walls, and I want movable doors. 

Her. Movable doors. Do you vant the doors to swing o n 
hinges? 

Ben : Yes. 

Her: Doors to swing on hinges. Will you have windows 
with or without glass! 

Ben : I'd like to have glass in the windows. 

Her: He vants glass in der windows. Flat. 

Prof: Transparent glass, I s'pose? 

Her; Yets. Veil, dot's all. 

Ben : When kin we have the house? 

Prof: It will be done in five minutes. Do you want it deliv- 
ered or will you take it with you ! 

Ben ; Oh, we will take it with us. 



10 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

Prof; Well, all ri^ht. I'll take it over now. 

(Exit Prof., L.) 
(Enter the g-irls.) 

Lotta: Oh, we've found our rooms to be just too perfectly 
lovely for anything. But if there were onlj' some nice young- 
men here now, I should like it ever so mucli l^etter. 

Adeline: And T sliall never he perfectly hapi)y here until my 
niai] lieg'ins to arrive from the city. 

MissFitt: Well Lhafs just the way with Lotta; she won't be 
happy until her male begins to arrive from the city, but she's 
not very particular. Slie'lltake any old male, whether he's from 
tlie city or not. 

Lotta: Why, you horrid thing! I think you're real mean. 
(Enter Prof., L., with invention.) 

Prof: Herrmann, gimme a cigar. 

Her: Nein. 

Prof: Yes, nine'll do. 

Her: You vos not misundershtood me. Haf you got der 
money soo bay for dot cigar? 

Prof: Well, that depends. How much are they worth? 

Her: Two dollars undt a helluf abiece. Dese are free silfer 
cigars. 

Prof: Two dollars and a half a piece? WeW, how much do 
you charge for a whole one? 

Her: Eh! Vot dit I saidt? 

Prof: Yes. Well, do I get a cigar? 

Her; Veil, I shouldt say nodt. 

Prof: I don't get a cigar! Now look here, Herrmann Pum- 
pernickel, if I don't get a cigar, I'll blow this hotel to smithereens 
with my new patent invention, loaded with explosive for blasting- 
reputations. Here goes ! 

(Places machine on desk and begins turning canks, wheels, etc] 

Her: Loogoudt! He vos goin' soo shoot! 

(Girls all scream, everyone exits quick as possible.) 

Prof; (Calmly helping himself to double handful cigars from 
box on desk. And I get a cigar !jl (Exit, L,) 

(One by one, the T. H., the girls, and Her. cautiously re-enter. 
Her. finds empty cig. box.) 

Her; Oh, I see id all now, Dat iss annuder off Fladt Garr's 
chokes. [Laughs,] He got der cigar. 

[Enter Prof, and Ful.,L.] 
Ful; Now that I've gotten rid of that obnoxious Otto Sight, now 
that I've gotten rid of him, I wish to precede with the matter we 
were speaking'about before. In the presence of all these witness- 
es. Prof. Lectric Carr, I state that I am here to volunteer you the 
information that your uncle. Earnest Mugg. died in New York 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 11 

City, a short time ago, leaving a very peculiar will; and if you are 
the first of two nephews to comply with the provisions of the will, 
you are the possible heir to a million dollars! 

[Prof, says nothing, but falls over against wall. Ful. pulls him 
up.] 

Prof: [After silence.] Well, what are the provisions of the will? 

Ful : B-b-b-r-r-r ! 1 liave here an exact copy of the document, 
and it will be a great saving of valuable time for you to read it 
over yourself. (Hands will to Prof.] 

Prof: This is very finely written...! can't see to read it 

What'llI do?.... Oh, yes. 

(Walks to ice-water tank, strikes match, looks up.) 

Prof: I'll light the gas and see. 

(Lights water faucet. Silence.] 

Prof : The first paragraph doesn't refer to me, neither does the 
Second. Here it is: (Reads.) "And last, I do hereby give, 
devise and bequeath the entire residue of all my property and 
possessions, real, personal, and mixed, of what nature and kind 
soever and wheresoever the same shall be at the time of my 
death, to the one of my two nephews. Otto Sight, or Professor 
Lectric Carr, an inventor, who shall first win the heart and hand 
of my first, last and only female friend, Miss Elizabeth Unit, of 
New York City, each of the above named nephews. Otto Sight 
and Lectric Carr, to leave before paying addresses to the lady on a 
Summer Outing, with small party, for recreative and rejuvinat- 
ing purposes, within the first summer season which shall follow 
my decease." (He looks up.) Is this Otto Sight named in the 
will the same man who is at this hotel on A Summer Outing? 

Ful: He is. 

Prof: And does this thing mean that I've got to get married to 
a certain woman in New York before the other fellow? 

Ful : That's precisely what it does mean , my dear sir. 

Prof : (Abruptly turning and handing back will.) Well, then 
I'm not in it. 

[Everyone springs up and rushes down.] 

Chorus : What ! Arn't you going to try for the million dollars? 

Prof: No, not if I have to marry in order to get it. It's worth 
every cent of the fortune to have to live with a woman. 

The Girls: Oh, you horrid thing!.. ..I'd like to scratch your 
eyes out ! . . . . Let me get at him ! 

Ben : [Piping up.] Wal, ef I wuz in your position an' hed them 
kind 'o conditions a-starin' me in th' face, I wouldn't let no pesky 
city chap walk off with the gal an' th' fortune 'thout makin' a fight 
fer it. 

Her: Undt me neider. Flat, I vos ashamed off yer. 

T. H: llTogether.il We're the Three Hoboes from Hoboken, 



12 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

and tew uphold th' repertashun uv Brightsville, we demand that 
yew enter th' race fer th' million dollars. 

Prof : il With determination.il No. It's no use. I won't do it. 

(T. H. stare at one another and nod. Then turn to Her.) 
(Enter Ot., and sits.) 

Her: Cheese undt grackers ! Vy, dot man vos shust so shtub- 
born lige a shassack. Now, off he vould go in undt peat dot sum- 
mer shpordt, it vould pe der pest advertisements dot Prightsfille 
efer hadt. Der name vould pe in all dot bapers, undt der Borter 
House vould doo pusiness mit tourists lige a house afire. (Gets 
watch and hat.) I vos goin' soo dink vot I gan doo abowit dot. 

(Exit Her.,rear.) 

Lot : Oh, girls, I do wish I could find some of those nice young 
men Mr. Pumpernickel promised me. What shall we do to kill 
time? 

Ad: And it's so queer that I havn't yet received any letters. 
Oh, do lets do something to pass away time till evening, when 
we can go riding on the Hudson. 

[Specialties for twenty minutes] 

II After specialties, Her. enters and bustles up to Prof.jj 

Her; Veil, I haf ad ladst decided what soo doo. Off you vould 
get ahegdt off dot cidy fellers dere, undt win dot cidy gerrul 
undt dot fortunes, it vouldt pe der pest advurtisements for Pri- 
ghtsfille undt der summer hotel vot ever vos: for as a guest of 
der Porter House, you vould pe known der gountry aroundt. 
Now, I atsk you once more, vill you dry soo scoop in der mai- 
chen undt dot gelt? 

Prof: I think I answered that question once before. No; I'd 
rather be a single inventor without a cent, than a multi-milion- 
ire with a wife. 

The Ladies: Oh, isn't he just horrid! 

Her; Dot seddles id. It vos got soo peen done. 

llPeculiar music. Enter Three Hoboes, arm in arm. They ad- 
vance a letter to Prof.ll 

Ben Thayer; ||In sepulchral tones.jl Here's a communication 
from the pen of a Long Neglected Genius. Read ! 

llProf. grasps letter with trembling hands, opens it, and then 
staggers back with a hollow moan.H 

Prof: It's all over. This musty, cob-webbed old claim must 
be satisfied. Boys, I will win the city girl if I die in the attempt. 
CURTAIN. 

MissFitt: What is this all powerful message which you will 
marry to satisfy? 

Prof: A bill of twelve years' standing from my tailor. 

CURTAIN. 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 13 

Bet irir, 

[Interior of the Inventor's Room at the Porter House.] 
(At rise, Enter Fuller Tawk and the Professor.) 

Fuller Tawk : Now, my dear sir, as long as this Otto Sight is 
already here taking the Summer Outing required in the will, it 
behooves you to move quickly, if you wish to come out ahead 
and become the possessor of the fortune and the girl. Now I 
make bold to ask you, sir, I make bold to ask you, where do you 
intend to go on your Summer Outing? 

Prof: (Motioning Fuller to take a chair, takes one himself.] 
Is this young lady. Miss Elizabeth Unit, in New York City at the 
present time? 

Ful : She is, to the best of my knowledge, sir. 

Prof: IIEmphatically.il Then I'll go to New York. Otto Sight 
came from New York to Brightsville on his Summer Outing, I'll 
go from Brightsville to New York on mine, and the young lady, 
being in the latter place, I'll do all I can towards winning her re- 
gard, before the other fellow can get back to the city. 

Ful: (Both, rising, and he vigorously slapping Prof, upon the 
back.) Good! good! good! It's an excellent plan, sir, an ex- 
cellent plan, and I wish you the greatest of success. Now I've 
taken a queer dislike to that fellow. Otto Sight, and I advise you 
to start on your outing, my dear sir, as soon as you can,— today, 
if possible, for I have a feeling that if he cannot win the for- 
tune by fair means, he will certainly attempt to win it by foul. 
Well, as I said before, I wish you the greatest of success, (Picking 
up hat and edging toward rear door.) the greatest of success, 
and 

(Her. is heard outside, puffing and blowing.) 

Voice: Shiminy Ghristmas! Vot negxt, alretty, don'dt id? 
(Enter Her., mopping face with hankch'f.) 

Her: Oxcoose me, shentlemens, bud I vosgot some oxtonish- 
ing news. Who you dinks vos shust arrifed ad dis hotel on A 
Summer Oudting? 

Ful: We have not the least idea, Mr. Pumpernickel, not the 

least idea in the world. Who is it, the Prince of Wales, or 

[Insert name of some prominent city man.] 

Her: Id vos der oldt womans named in der oldt bachelor's 
vill, Miss Elizabeth Unit, off New York! 

Prof, and Ful : What ! 
. (Fuller stands as if turned to stone, while Prof, tumbles back 
into a peculiar looking machine.) 

Ful : Are you sure about this ? 

Her: Shust so sure as I gould pe. But now I got me soo go 
down undt see dot she gets her room all rightd. I got me so ox- 



14 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTlN(9. • 

cited ven I foundt oudt who she vos, dot I runnedt oop here 
shust so guick as I could, alretty. [Exit Her., rear.] 

[Fuller and Prof, stare at each other for a moment, !| 

Prof: IIExtricating himself.) Well, what do you think about 
this? 

Ful: B-b-b-r-r-r! Well, it is a surprise. I must say. And be- 
sides, my dear sir, besides, it entirely reverses the condition of 
affairs. As things now stand. Mr. Carr. if you go to New York 
on your Summer Outing, Miss Unit will be left here at Brights- 
ville, a victim to the wiles of Otto Sight: and then. sir. then where 
willyour chances be? 

liBoth take seats. || 

Prof: Well. I don't know. It's a queer thing to me how that 
women happened to take a Summer Outing, and above all how 
she came to Brightsville to take it. What are we going to do 
about it? 

Ful: B-b-b-r-r-r! My dear sir, this is very confusing, very 
confusing, indeed. But give me a few moments to think over it, 
and I maj' be able to offer a feasible, suggestion, sir, a feasible 
suggestion. 

(Exit Ful. and Prof., left.) 
(Enter Otto Sight.] 

Otto : By Jove ! Fortune seems to be playing directly into 
my hands. Now that Elizabeth Unit has arrived from New York 
on Summer Outing, I will not have to return to New York to woo 
her, but can accomplish my purpose right here at this summer 
resort, while my inventive cousin, whom I never saw till I arrived 
at Brightsville, will be forced, in order to comply with the condi- 
tions of the will, to stay at some other resort, for a short tirhe, on 
his Summer Outing. I think I can defeat him without an effort, 
for besides the advantage I will gain by his being absent, his ap- 
pearance is something frightful; while I, I pride myself in saying, 
am fairly a handsome man. And though I have not seen her yet, 
I imagine that Elizabeth Unit isn't a bad-looking personage her- 
self. Yes, I think I can win both her and the fortune without the 
least shade of difficulty. Well, I'll go down to the office and see 
if I can get a glimpse of the future Mrs. Otto Sight. (Ex. Ot., re.) 
(Enter Ful. and Prof., L.) 

Ful: (Excitedly.) By Jove, Professor, I've solved the prob- 
lem ! Congratulate me, sir, congratulate me, I have solved the 
problem! ||Cooling down, seats himself. || B-b-b-r-r-r! Yes, my 
dear sir, I have formulated a plan by which you may, at least, hold 
an even chance with Otto Sight, though you certainly will not 
have any advantage over him. 

Prof: llShowinginterest.il Is that so? Well, that's good news. 
What's your plan? 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 15 

Fill: B-b-b-r-r-r! Well, I'll tell you. In the first place, sir, in 
the first place, I have discovered a flaw in the will. 

Prof: A flaw! 

Ful: Yes, a flaw. 

Prof: Oh, a flaw. 

Ful. Of course, a flaw. And I will read you the passage in 
which the flaw occurs: (Reads from will.) "... Each of my above 
nephews, Otto Sight and Prof. Lectric Carr, to leave, before pay- 
ing addresses to the lady, on A Summer Outing with small party 
....", etc . , etc. Now, my dear sir, the will simply says to leave 
on A Summer Outing, and nothing is mentioned at all, sir, to show 
how long the outing must last Now, this is a point that the dis- 
agreeable Otto Sight must have overlooked, else he would not be 
in Brightsville at this moment; and I pride myself, sir, I pride my- 
self that none but a lawyer— and a good one, at that— would have 
discovered that flaw. 

Prof: Well, I don't see how that flaw, as you call it, is going to 
benefit me any. 

Ful. You don't? B-b-b-r-r-r! Weill will explain. Now. as 
long as the will simply says to "leave" on a Summer Outing, 
what is to prevent you from boarding the train here at Brights- 
ville in company with your Three Hoboes, as you call them,— to 
make the small party, you know— board the train here at Brights- 
ville, and getting off at the next station, return bv the special 
that arrives here in thirty minutes. In that manner you will com- 
ply with the provisions of the will, by leaving on a Summer 
Outing, yet immediatly coming back, so as to put yourself on 
an equal footing with Otto Sight, as far as Miss Elizabeth Unit is 
concerned. Do you grasp my meaning, my dear sir? 

Prof: Well I should say yes. I grasp it. T hat's a good scheme, 
I'll carry it out at once. And if I don't win that fortune, it won't 
be because I havn't tried. 

Ful : That's the way to talk, my dear sir, that's the way to talk, 
Now, I've taken a decided liking to you, professor, and I hope 
you will come out with flying colors. But I advise you to act at 
once, —today, within an hour, if possible— for remember that Otto 
Sight is from the city and is as smooth as an eel. Well, now 1 
must be going. 1 will stop in the lobby and persuade the Three 
Hoboes from Hoboken to accompany you on your abbreviated 
Summer Outing, so as to make the small party required in the 

will. And remember, act at once. It's all right, I'll see you 

through ! 

[Exit Ful., rear.] 

Prof: Yes, I will act at once 1 wonder if that girl is pretty 

....1 hope she is Iwish I could see her 1 wonder if she'll 

fall in love with me at sight?. . ..Well I'll have to get ready to 



16 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

go on my Summer Outing. 

[Removes his coat, revealing a red flannel shirt, with false 
white bosom. Rolls up his sleeves, goes to a corner, mixes 
lather, applies it to his face, and prepares to shave. Leisurely 
he takes the razor, when feminine laughs are heard without. 
Prof, pauses abruptly and gazes fitfully about.) 

Prof: Really, I believe some one is coming. 

IIListens. Laughter becomes louder. Voices. Ii 

Prof: I can't let them see me like this. Where'U I hide? Oh, 
yes ! (Runs quickly behind fancy screen.) 

IIEnterMiss Fitt, Lotta and Adeline. || 

Lotta: IIBeginning before entrance of trio.ll Oh, it's so em- 
barrassing isn't it, girls, when you are alone with your beau for 
the first time? 

Adeline: Indeed I haven't found it so. 

Miss Fitt: You haven't? 

Adeline: Not at all. My beau talks all the time, and doesn't 
give me a chance to feel embarrassed. 

Lotta : He is a good talker, then. 

Adeline: Well, I should say so, he's a barber. 

(More laughter.) 

M. F: [Lightly.] Well, I havn't any beau myself, so I don't 
know much about it. ^ 

The Others : Why, you poor girl ! 

[Prof, peeks cautiously overtop of screen.] 

Prof: I wish I had a bow. I'd shoot somebody. Really. I 
wish they'd get out of here. My train leaves in fifteen minutes, 
and if I don't hurry up, I'll get left. 

(Adeline turns toward him, and he pops down out of sight 
again.) 

Ad: So this is the old inventor's shop ! What queer contrivan- 
ces he has about. 

M. F : Yes, and what an artistic screen that once was, over yon- 
der. 

The Others : Oh, j'es, isn't it lovely ! 

(They all walk up and examine it.) 

The Girls: It's so attractive ! Yes, and such a pretty figure 

is embroidered in it ! How beautiful ! 

Lot : Say, girls, I wonder if there's a figure on the other side 

M. F: Well, lets find out. 

[Screen jumps up and down, unnoticed.] 

The Girls : Of course we will. 

llStart to go behind screen, when latter suddenly moves to mid- 
dle. They scream and come down quickly. || 

Lot : Oh, girls, th-there m-must be s-something alive b-behind 
that s-screen! 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 17 

Prof, thrusts head through screen, looks around. || 

Prof: There is. 

[Girls scream again.] 

The Girls : It's a man ! It's a man ! Oh , the awful thing ! 

llExit rearii 

Prof: (Coming from behind screen.) Yes, there was a figure 
on the other side. I don't know what that Lotta Fellers ran 
away for. She was just crazy for a nice young man. Well, I guess 
I'll have to hurry up. llPuts on hiscoat.H I won't have time to 
shave. 

(Enter Fuller, briskly) 

Ful: (During this speech. Prof, wipes lather from his face.) 
B-b-b-r-r-r! My dear professor, you must hurry. Why, your 
train will leave in ten minutes, and you have yet to get to the 
station. Remember sir, remember, that if you miss this train 
you will be forced to wait until tomorrow to start on your Sum- 
mer Outing, and will in that way give Otto Sight a great advan- 
tage, for the will states, you remember, that you are not to pay 
your addresses to the lady before— 

Prof: Well, all right. I'll start right now. We'll be back in 
half an hour on the special. Weil, au revoir. 

(Exit Prof., rear. Fuller takes seat.) 

Ful: Well he's a queer old chap, certainly, that inventor, but 
still, I've taken a strange liking to him in spite of his eccentri- 
city. 

[Enter Miss Fitt, softly.] 

Miss Fitt: [As she stands in doorway.] And so have I. 
[Fuller whirls about in chair.] 

Ful : liRising politely . !l B-b-b-r ! Ah ! Miss Fitt, so it is you, is 
it? Won't you be seated. 

M. F : Well, I don't care if I do. 

Ful: I believe you coincided with me when I unconsiously 
uttered aloud the statement of mj^ liking for Prof. Lectric Carr. 

Miss Fitt: I did. And for some reason, I have taken an equally 
strange dislike to Otto Sight, the leading member of our Summer 
Outing party. 

Ful; You have? Why, very oddly, I have taken just such a 
dislike to him myself. 

Miss Fitt: Really? 

Ful: Yes, and I've formulated a great idea to help the Prof, win 
this fortune he is after. 

Miss Fitt; Is that so! What is it? 

Ful: Well, just step into the conservatory with me and I'll 
tell you the whole scheme. The Prof . is even now gone carry- 
ing out the idea. It's all right ,— I'll see him through. 

(Exit F. and M. F., L,) 

(Enters Otto Sight,) 



18 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

Ot : That lawyer seems to be working with all his might to 
help Flat Carr. That was a very shrewd scheme of his to take ad- 
vantage of the flaw in the will, but little advantage will it ever 
give the inventor. Now, I pumped the Dutchman for all he was 
worth, and I find that Carr is to start on his Summer Outing, but 
will be back here again in a very small fraction of an hour. Very 
shrewd, very shrewd, indeed. However, the idea is only to put 
him on an equal footing with myself, sol have no cause to com- 
plain. Let me see. In a few minutes he will be back from his ex- 
tended Summer Outing, and he will begin at once, I suppose, to 
pay his addresses to the girl. But I'll take her out of his way long 
enough to persuade her to marry me. How shall I manage it? 
Ah, yes. I'll organize a small fishing party, include Elizabeth 
Unit, and before the return of the inventor we shall be a number 
of miles distant from Brightsville. Then, in some shady glen, I 

can make love to my heart's content, and then ho ! for a wife 

and fortune, and the defeat of my eccentric cousin ! 

[Exit Ot., rear.] 
(Enter M.F. andFul.) 

Ful: B-b-b-r-r-r! So there. Miss Fitt, you have my idea in a 
nutshell. 

M. F: Yes, and a good one it is, too, Mr. Tawk. If it were not 
for that idea, Mr. Carr would indeed be placed at a great disadvan- 
tage. But Otto Sight, I suppose, knows nothing of this ruse? 

Ful: Well, it really doesn't make m ich difference whether he 
knows it or not. The Professor will be back here in a short time, 
and he will have an equal chance with his cousin, so there would 
be no harm done even if he should kiow it. Oh, it's all right,— 
—I'll see him through ! llExit Ful., L.ll 

M.F: [Insoliloquoy.] Oh, dear, I wish this was over. [She 
slowly crosses room.] I do think Helena keeps too much to her- 
self. She should push matters as quickly as possible. Well, for 
that matter, my own sense of like and dislike leads me to believe 
that the inventor is the most honorable of the two cousins and 
the most worthy of my hand, although he seems to have little lik- 
ing for females; but I must wait until something comes up that 
will enable me to view each of the men in his own true character. 
I shall be glad when it is all over. 

(Ensemble specialty.) 
II After spec, M.F., Lot., Ad., Her., and Ful. remain. || 

Her: [Enthusiastically.] Miss Fidt, youvos got a foice chust 
so sofdt undt shveedt like a crow's, alretty, undt I vos sharmed 
mit your singing. Der only equal I gan dink off, soo your lofe- 
y v arblingiss ashveet-toned shteamgalliope,eh, don'dt id? 

M. F: Well, Mr, Pumpernickel, I am surprised at you. Why, 
not even that fresh young Otto Sight would talk to me like that. 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 19 

No; whether Otto Sight 

[Enter Ot., rear.] 

Ot : (Standing in doorway.) Ah ! Excuse me for intruding, but 
didn't I just hear some one utter my name? 

M. F:(Cooly.) Why, no; I think not. I was simply remark- 
ing that the weather is out o' sight. (Lot. and Ad. snicker.) 

Ot: Yes, the weather is rather fine. And for that very reason 
llHe winks.ll I have decided to make up a small fishing party. To 
tell the truth, that's precisely why I came in just now. I would 
like to know if you ladies will honor me by accompanying me 
on the expedition. 

Lot. and Ad : Oh, we'll go. 

M.F: Well, I won't. You're going to have Elizabeth Unit 
along, I suppose? 

Otto: Yes, she has consented to go. 

M, F. Huh-huh! Well then you expect to land big fish. 

Otto: Oh, yes. Say, what do you mean? [This last suddenly 
as if just comprehending.] 

Her: Yets, she iss mean. Off gourse you oxpects soo landt 
pig fish. Say, py der vay, Meester Sight, vot kindt ofl fish- 
hoogs vos you goin' soo use? 

Otto: (Impatiently.) Oh, just the common trout hooks. 

Her: Shiminey Ghristmas! common drout hoogs? Vy dot 
von't do ad all. Dese iss der kindt off hoogs ve use aroundt 
Prightsville. (Takes an enormous hook from corner, holds it up.) 

Otto : Nonsense, nonsense ! Don't be a fool. We'll if we're 
going afishing, we'll have to start pretty soon. So you won't 
accompany us. Miss Fitt? 

M. F : No, sir. Not by any means. 

Otto: And you two gentlemen liTurning to Herrmann 

and Fuller.ll will you go along? 

The Two Gents: (Hesitatingly.) Well, what kind of bait are 
you going to use? 

Otto : Worms. There are women along, you know. 

The Two Gents : We can't go ! We can't go ! We've got a pre- 
vious engagement. 

Otto: All right, all right. But we'll have to be going now. 
Come on girls. Well, so long, people. 

Adeline and Lotta: Good bye! good bye! (Follow to door, 
laughing.) 

M.F: Goodbye. Be sure not to drink all the bait before you 
get to the lake. 

(Exit Otto and girls, rear.) 

Full: Well, I think I see through Otto Sight's clever little 
scheme in going fishing. He has discovered that Prof. Lectric 
Carr is coming back immediately, and for that reason he desires 



20 MAGP:E'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

to take this Elizabeth Unit to some secluded spot in order to 
himself make a favorable impression, while he at the same time 
poisons her mind against his cousin. 

MissFitt: Yes, I'm quite sure he's an underhanded scound- 
rel. iiLower.ll But he'll be misled by the supposed Elizabeth 
Unit just the same. 

(Just then crash of glass heard without.) 

MissFitt: (Startled. ) Heavens! What can that be? 

Her: [Cheerfully.] Flat Garr vos pack again, I kess. His face 
iss so homely dat efery dimes he gomes in der hotel door undt 
loogs ad id real hardt, der class preaks. 

Miss Fitt : Is it possible ! I suppose the glass feels very much 
broken up about it. I wonder how he got along on his Summer 
Outing. Lets go down and talk to him, Mr, Pumpernickel, he's 
so funny and eccentric, you know. 

Her: All rightd. I'm vit yer. Oxcuse us, Mr. Dalk. 

Ful: Certainly. 

(Exit H. and M.F.) 

Full: Well, I've got a few things to say to Prof. Lectric Carr 
myself. I guess I'l have to go to see him, too. Why, here he 
comes now. 

(Quick music. Enter Prof., carrying slate.) 

[Writes industriously for a moment. Then hands slate to Ful.] 

Ful: (Reading.) "I've lost my voice. Come out and help me 
look for it." 

Ful: Well, what kind of a voice is it? 

Prof: It's a bass voice, and I lost it in the basement. 
(Exit Prof., rear, immediately re-entering, L.) 

Ful: Well, professor, I see you're back. 

Prof: Well, it's my back. If you don't like it you don't have 
to look at it. 

Ful: I mean, I see you have returned. Did you have a nice 
time? 

Prof : Oh, we had a lovely time. We had a grand time. Why, 
the agent down to the station keeps a bulldog, a cowdog, and sev- 
eral little calf dogs, and we couldn't get into the waiting room. 
Had to sit out on the platform till the train came. 

Ful: Why, what did you do that for? 'Fraid on account of the 
dogs? 

Prof: My pants are. 

Ful: Pants are what? 

Prof; Fra3^ed on account of the dogs. 

Ful : Well, that's too bad. But I trust your attire isn't hopeless- 
ly damaged? 

Prof: Well, what's the difRrence? Havn't 1 got a suit of clothes 
for every day in the week? 



MAGEE'S -A SUMMER OUTING." 21 

Ful : Have you ? I never saw you wear any other than the one 
you have on. 

Prof; Why, yes, that's the one. Don't I wear that every day in 
the week? 

Ful; Say, by the way, professor, what makes j'-our clothes look 
so much more peculiar than they did when you went away, half 
an hour ago? 

Prof; Why, they're shrunken. You see we were all trying to 
stop a runaway horse, and I got caught in the rein. Even the 
church bells were ringing wet. But what has Otto Sight been do- 
ing while I was taking my half-hour outing? 

Ful; Ah! now we are coming down to business. B-b-b-r-r-r! 
Well, my dear sir, he has gone on a fishing expedition, taking 
along with him Lotta Fellers, Adeline More, and Elizabeth Unit. 

Prof: Well, then, he's got an advantage over me, and I can't 
see the girl till he gets ready to come back with her. 

Ful: Precisely, my dear sir, precisely. That fishing expedi- 
tion is a clever scheme of his to ingratiate himself into her affec- 
tions, while he at the same time fills her ears with false and dam- 
aging stories about you. 

Prof; The scoundrel! But I can't do anything now till the 
girl gets back. Say, by the way, have you seen my latest inven- 
tion, my new rainmaking machine? 

Ful: Rainmaking machine? No, but I'd like to, professor. 
B-b-b-r-r-r! Yes, 'd like to. Where is it? 

Prof: llUncovering invention.il Now. this is the greatest in- 
vention of the present age. It's the greatest invention the world 
has ever seen or ever will see, and I guarantee it to produce rain 
inside of two seconds after it^ fired. You see, first I have to in- 
sert prejectile, which is loaded with a terrible explosive called 
horrorite. (Inserts projectile in mouth of gun.) Then I turn this 
crank to raise or depress the muzzle of the gun. Two drops of 
this fluid [Holds up vial, and drops some of contents on gun.] sets 
the interior mechanism of the invention in motion. This wheel 
liTurningit.il ignites the powerful rain-producing projectile, and 
this lever, here, throws it from the gun. Now, then, off she goes ! 
(Pulls lever. Report. Projectile leaves gun. Thunder, light- 
ning, rain, and wind without.) 

Prof: Well, that's the entire process, and you see it's raining 
outside now. Oh, that invention's bound to create a disturbance 
in the upper circles, as soon as I get it patented. But say, Mr. 
Tawk, you havn't got a ham sandwich in your pocket, have you? 
I'm hungry as a bear. 

Ful: Hungry! Why, how's that? Didn't they have a din- 
ing car on the train ? 
Prof: Why, no; you see it was a FAST train, and they didn't 



22 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

have anj'thing to eat. I'll go and feed myself, right away. 

(Quick music. Exit Prof., L.) 

Ful: B-b-b-r-r-r! That is quite an invention, to be sure. 
Why, it's raining harder than ever, now. ||Glancing out of win- 
dow.! I guess I'll go outside and see what the outlook is for an 
extended storm, [Exit Ful., L,] 

[Enter Ot., Lot.. Ad., rear. All talk as they enter.) 

Lot: Isn't it just awful ! 

Ad : Oh, it's so exasperating ! 

Ot : It's just my accursed luck ! 

Lot: To think that this horrid rainstorm should come up just as 
we were starting off on our fishing expedition! I'm going right 
up to my room and have a good hard cry over it. 

Ad: Yes, just think of the lovely sport we are missing on ac- 
count of this nasty shower! Oh,T'm so disappointed I'm going 
right up and— and— and help Lottacry ! [Exit Ad., R.] 

Ot: And think of the grand opportunity I am losing to get a 
dead cinch on Elizabeth Unit and the million dollars. Oh, hang 
the luck ! Well, as far as I know, Carr is in the same fix as I am— 
he hasn't yet had an opportunity to speak to the girl in private. 
Why, she's in her room even now, and won't come out. I won- 
der what makes her so shy. Why, I havn't even had a chance to 
see her yet, and was only relying on those ;wo fool girls to per- 
suade her to go fishing with us. Well, I suppose I'll have to work 
on the square, now, and I don't think she'll prefer that homely 
freak to me. But for some reason everybody seems take a queer 
liking to the old guy, and a sort of dislike to me. That's wha^ 
makes me fear for myself if he talks to her first. I wish that inven- 
tive cousin of mine would eat a cracker and blow himself up, at 
some very near day. 

II Deafening ripping noise without. II 

(Enter Prof., immediately after, carrying umbrella.) 

Ot : Say, what in thunder was that noise ? 

Prof: Noise ! Why, that wasn't a noise; that was a tennis rack- 
et. But say, what do you think of my rainstorm? Ain't it a la-la? 

O : YOUR rainstorm ! 

P: Why, yes. I did it with my little invention. 

O: You did! 'Well, then that's one more I owe you. 

P : Well, you'd better pay it now. 

O: What's that? 

P: I say, yon'd better pay me now. 

O: Wljat are you talking about? 

P: Didn't you borrow two dollars of me, day before yesterday? 

O: Yes. 

P: I was in a saloon then, wasn't I? 
O : Yes, and I was in, too. 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 23 

P : I know you were,— and I was out two. 

O: What do you mean ? Do you think I'm not going to pay 
you back? 

P: Why, no; I don't think you're not going to pay me back. 

O : There you go again ! Now, don't you dare to say I mean 
to keep your money. 

P: W^ell, I didn'tsay it. I didn't say you mean to keep my 
monej'. I only said you borrowed it, that's all. So you're going 
to pay me back, are you ? 

O : Well, I intended to. 

P : Yes, and two's what you got. Oh, you hooked me in for a 
jay that time, all right. 

O: Well, don't get excited about it. You see how cool I am. 

P: Well you've been in the cooler often enough, you ought 
to be cool. 

O: That'll do, now. Shut up or I'll leather you. 

P: Well, I'm strapped now. Gimme my two dollars back and 
I'll be all right. 

O: Didn't I tell you to shut up? If you don't shut up, I'll give 
you one. 

P: Better give me the two while you're at it. I think 

O: Say, I'm getting tired of this. Now you go take a sneak! 

P : All riglit, where do you want to go? 

O: Say if I take hold of you once, you'll wish I hadn't. 

P: Well, you touched me already. I want my money back? 

O: Oh, let it fly. 

P; It's flown. 

O: Well, what's the diff'erence? 

P: Two dollars, and I want it now. 

O : Now that's plenty ! 

P; Well, two dollars ought to be plenty to get out of a poor 
man. Mr. Sight, your're a downright robber. 

O: Lectric Carr, I tell you plainly, I don't like your expression. 

P: All right: I'll change it. (Strikes an attitude, and changes 
expression of his face.) 

O: Say, you're too fresh altogether. Do you know who I am? 

P : Do you know who I am ? 

(Song, after which Ot. chases Prof, off.) 
(Enter Ful. and M. F., rear.) 

Ful: Ah, my dear young lady, this is a delightful rain, truly a 
delightful rain ! 

M. F: [Both sitting.] Yes, Mr. Tawk; and it's beauty lies not 
only in it's refreshing coolness, but also in the glorious fact that ' 
it has foiled Otto Sight in another contemptible effort to gain an 
underhand advantage over the professor. This storm has pre- 
vented him from taking Elizabeth Unit out fishing. 



24 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

Ful; Yes, so I am aware. And a lucky thing it is, too, for our 
inventive friend. But there is one very ludicrous side to this sit- 
uation, my dear young lady, that you do not know of or appre- 
ciate. 

M.F: There is? 

Ful : Yes, the real joke of the whole alTair is this: Lectric Carr 
unwittingly manufactured that rain himself. Ha! ha! ha! 

M.F: Manufactured it himself ! Why, what do you mean ! * 

Ful: I mean that he has invented a rainproducing machine, 
and this disturbance of the elements is merely a result of his 
showing me how the apparatus is manipulated. 

M.F: What ! a rainproducing machine ! 

Ful: Yes, a rainproducing machine. And ten chances to one 
the professor will be a very wealthy man, some day, just on ac- 
count of that invention. Oh, Flat Carr has got a dead cinch on 
the soft water supply, all right; there's no doubt about that. 
liEnterT. H., rcar.ll 

T.H. liSimiltaneously.li A-hum! 

(Ful. looks up) 

Ful : Well boys. 

B.T. Excuse us, but all th' clocks hev struck, an' we can't bring 
'em to time. 

Ful: B-b-b-r-r-r! Well, this is serious. What did they strike 
for? 

B.T : Shorter hours and larger figures. 

Ful : So, so ! Let me think ! ah, yes ! well, here's the key to the 
situation (Hands Ben a large wooden key) Start the works and 
get some new hands. That will teacli them to be more watchl'ul 
in the future. 

T, H: (Similtaneously.) Why, of course. [Bow.] 

Ful: Now, take these eggs and go out and set the clocks. 
(Hands each an egg.) 

T.H: (Sim.) Why, of course. 

(Bow, kisses at M, F., and exeunt, rear.) 

Ful: (Sitting) Curious fellows those, — curious fellows; eh. 
Miss Fitti But our conversation, ray dear young lady, our conver- 
sation. We were speaking of Flat's rain producing machine, I 
believe; were we not? 

Miss Fitt ! Yes, and I am certain now that our inventive friend 
as you call him, is a much more intelligent man than I thought 
him to be when first I saw him. 

Ful: Well, probably he is, probably he is —as far as inventions 
go; but I think that beyond mechanical contrivances he is ser- 
iously lacking, my dear young lady, seriously lacking. 

M.F: I'm sure I don't see in what way, he seems to have pos- 
itive genius in some lines, and he wouldn't be so very bad look- 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 25 

ing if he were fixed up. 

Ful : But take for example, this matter of himself and Elizabeth 
Unit. Now, he doesn't seem to possess the nerve, the sand, so 
to speak, to work for his own interests in this matrimonial race; 
and as things now stand, to me it looks very much as though Otto 
Sight, his unscrupulous cousin, would yet snatch the prize before 
Carr himself even gets a sight of it. However, I have decided to 
help him out all I can, and I feel certain that if you, my dear 
young lady, will also proffer your aid, we can make the invent- 
or's prospects of gaining a home and fortune very much brighter 
indeed. Now, Miss Fitt, will you join with me in this relief ex- 
pedition? 

M.F: Well, let me think over it for a moment. [In solilo- 
quoy.] Perhaps it would be well to force Helena to bring this 
matter to a climax as soon as possible, so that I may judge by sub- 
stantial evidence if Otto Sight really is as unscrupulous as he ap- 
pears; so that I may see if he really would try to resort to force, 
as I overheard him threaten. And if he should turn out to be a 
villain, I can easily bring matters to a quick close by a full ex- 
planation. (To Ful.) Well, I have decided. 

Ful: And your decision is? 

M.F: That I am willing to do all in my power to help you. 

Ful: Good, good, good! But what is to be done at all must 
be done at once, my dear young lady, and— 

[Peculiar harsh noise from without. Enter Prof., L.] 

Ful: (Rising.) What was that? 

Prof: That was me, drawing my breath. 

Ful: IIHandingslate.il Well, here's your slate and pencil. 
Draw it for me, will you? (Exit Prof., L.) 

Ful: B-b-b-r-r-r! Now, we must get to work quickly, my 
dear Miss Fitt, lest the crafty Otto Sight should formulate some 
new plan, since his fishing party idea is made impracticable. But 
though there is no time to be lost, there is one thing we must not 
forget, and that is that the professor has not yet seen this Eliza- 
beth Unit, and is under the impression that she is a very beauti- 
ful woman. Now, 1 have seen her, and I know that should Lec- 
tric Carr once get a glimpse of her face before he has proposed 
the fatal question, he would have nothing more to do with the 
affair, whatever,— promise or no promise, fortune or no fortune. 

M.F: Well, can't we do something to fix that? Can't we 
blindfold him, or 

Ful: The very idea! Just the thing! Excellent! That will 
make the way all clear before us, I think. [Rising.] But come; 
the time for action is here, and we must begin. 

M.F: But what am I to do? 

Ful : Well, all I require of you, my dear young lady, all I re- 



2G MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

quire of you is to bring Elizabeth Unit to this room, telling her 
that Lectric Carr wishes an interview. Leave all else to me. 

M.F: With pleasure. But you want to be careful, my boy, 
that you don't get smitten with her yourself. The girl is a charm- 
er. 

Ful: What kind? A snake charmer? 

M.F: Oh, my, no! A watch charm-er something of that sort. 
You see, she charms people's watches till they can't move, as 
soon as she turns her face on them. Well,tra-la-la! You'll suc- 
ceed all right in making a match between her and Lectric Carr,— 
I don't think! llThis last aside. Exit, rear.!! 

li Enter Prof., R.|| 

Prof: Well, sir. this is the dryest rain I ever saw. I'm goin' 
out and wet my whistle. (Moves L. Ful. comes down from 
rear door.) 

Ful: Say, professor. 

Prof: Well, what can I do for me. 

Ful: Yes. 

Prof: Why, so do I. How did it happen? 

Ful : Well, I'll tell you about it. Where have you been? 

Prof: Well, I've just been up on the roof trying to tie a rain- 
bow, but the rain was falling pretty fast, and I got a drop too much 
So I thought I'd come down. 

Ful: So, so! And did you get anything to eat? 

Prof: Well, no. I looked for some eggs, but I couldn't find 
any. I guess they must have been mislaid* 

Ful : Eggs-actly ! Eggs-actly ! But I have good news for you, 
professor. 

Prof: Good news! What is it? Have the Brightsvillians re- 
leased me from my promise? 

Ful : Oh, no. But Miss Fitt and I have agreed to give you all 
the assistance in our power to help you win the girl and the for- 
tune. 

Prof: Oh ! Well, thank 3'ou, thank you. I'll be glad of your 
assistance nit. 

Ful: Yes; Miss Fitt said that you stand as much show and 
even more than the other fellow. 

Prof: Oh. yes. And was that all? (Expectantly.) 

Ful : No; shealso said that you arn't half a bad fellow, and you 
are really very brainy. 

Prof: (Bowing.) Oh, thank you, thank you. 

Ful : And she stated further that you might be a very good- 
looking person if you had another face. 

Prof: Oh, thank you, thank you. Do you know, I always did 
admirethat Miss Fitt from the moment I first saw her. She's a 
mig-hty fine girl. 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 27 

Ful: Yes? But we are wandering from our subject, my dear 
sir, we are wandering from our subject. Miss Fitt is at this mo- 
ment on tiie errand of bringing Elizabeth Unit here to have an 
interview with you, and though I regret it greatly. I shall have to 
blindfold you, sir, I shall have to blindfold you ! (Produces hand- 
kerchief.) 

Prof: Blindfold me? I guess not! It cannot was. (Comes 
down.) 

Ful; But it must be. 

Prof: Must! I'd like to know why. 

Ful: Well,— a— hum -that is, well, love is blind, you know, 
love is blind, and — 

Prof: Well, this isn't a case of love. 

Ful: But the lady is so extremely beautiful that I am afraid s he 
will dazzle you if your sight is not obstructed . (Feminine voices 
*rom without.) There: they're coming now. Well; what do you 
say? 

Prof: Oh this is so sudden : Well, all right. If she's beautiful, 
that settles it. [Ful. blindfolds him.] 

(Enter Miss Fitt and Elizabeth Unit.) 

Ful: llStiil tying.] Pew! wnat a close shave. 

Prof; A close shave? Wiiy, I haven't had a shave for a week. 
I tried to shave myself 

Ful: S-s-sh! They're here! 

(Shakes hands with Eliz,) 

Ful: Mr. Carr desires an interview wuth you. my dear Miss Unit 
You must not mind the bandage he wears. He once witnessed a 
preformance of the "BLACK CROOK" and has had sore eyes 
ever since. 

Eliz : Poor fellow ! 

Ful: But allow me. Miss Unit^ Mr. Carr; Mr. Carr, Miss 
Unit. 

Prof: Happy to meet you. (Bows in opp. d irection.) 

Eliz: Won't you shake hands, professor. 
'Prof: Why, certainly- llGropes. Shakes.il 

[Prof, comes down with Ful.) 

Prof: You ain't goin' to leave me alone with thaf woman, are 
you? 

Prof; Of course. 

Prof: Well, I wish you'd stand around outside, and if he should 
get wild, don't let her hurt mef 

Ful; Nonsense! Nonsense! But, Miss Fitt, we must be go- 
ing, we really must. 

M. F: . Yes; let's see if we can find the girls. 

II Exeunt, rear.ll 
Prof: Won't you be seated? 



28 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

Eliz: Thank you. (Both sit. Embarrassed.) 

Prof: (Aside.) I wonder why she don't say something. 
Eliz: liAlsoaside.il I wonder why he don't say something. 
(Slight pause.) 



Prof: 
Eliz: 



Prof: 
Eliz: 



It's been a beautiful day. 

(Slight pause. Confused.) 

Yes. 



(More confused. Pause.) 

Prof; (Opening a book, You've got a kind, good face. ^s^2 

Eliz: Thank you. '^flj 

Prof: Don't mention it, ||Pause.|| ^^ 

Eliz : il Aside. II Well, he may be a smart man, but he can't talk. 
I'll have to say something. Professor, can you swim? 

Prof: Swim ! Well I should say yes. 

Eliz : Why, wher€ did you learn to swim, Professor? 

Prof: In the water. I've been in the swim as long as I can re- 
member. 

Eliz: Well, that's doing pretty well for an old man. 

Prof: An old man! Why, I'm not an old man. You ought to 
see me when I'm dressed up. Why, I'll bet I'm no older than 
you are. By the way, how old are you, anyhow? 

Eliz: Oh, I'm only sweet sixteen. (Clock on wall rings oflF.) 

Prof: [After both looking round.] It's a false alarm. It's all 
right. But tell me, do you know for what reason my friends— I 
sought this interview? 

Eliz; Ye-e-e-s, 

Prof: Well, then, let's talk business. 

Eliz: Not so fast. First I want to know something about you. 
Do you drink. Professor? 

Prof: Drink! Drink! Woman,*do you mean to insult me! 
No; I never drink. 

[EnterT. H., rear.] 

Ben : Say, Professor, won't you come down and have your 
usual daily cocktail with us? 

llProf. aims invention at them. Latter exeunt,|| 

Prof: Oh, Liz, Liz, whenever I gaze upon your beauteous 
countenance, my heart thrills with such a curious sensation that 
words cannot express it, my tootsy wootsy, wootsy tootsy. 

llThen Prof, lies back in chair with tongue hanging out.ll 

Eliz: He! he! he! Is that on the square? 

Prof: Well, I've got a square in the other room. I can take 
you in and show you. 

Eliz: Well, age before beauty, you know, professor,— you go 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 29 

first. 

Prof: But there are times when even age, as you please to call 
me, bows before beauty, my dear Queen Elizabeth. (Bows.) 

Eliz: Queen Elizabeth! 

Prof: Yes, Elizabeth,— queen of my heart. 

[Exeunt, L.] 
(Enter Ful. and M. F., rear.) 

Ful; (Looking about.) B-b-b-r-r-r! Well, I see that they 
have already sought quarters more secluded. They must be get- 
ting on finely by this time. 

M.F: Yes, so they must. 

[Angry voices without. Enter T. H., dragging Ot. He throws 
them off.] 

Ful: B-b-b-r-r-r! Gents, I demand to know what is the mean- 
ing of this. 

Ot: It's a downright outrage, that's what— 
T.H. (Sim.) Shut up! 

Ben: Well, I'll tell you how it is. Yew see we wuz strollin' 
'raoun ther house fer a little exercise, w'en we happened to over- 
hear a grass plot between this here skunk Ulndicating Ot.ll an' 
Silver Bill, th' Toughest Man in Town. 

Ot : That's a lie and I can— 

T.H: (Sim.) Shutnp! 

How: That Otter Sight he said as how Flat Carr was hevin' a 
talk with Lizzie Unit now, an' he thought the perfessor wuz suc- 
ceedin' better'n he had, so he wanted tew hev it stopped. Then 
they began plannin' haow ter doit. 

Ot : Don't you believe a word these scoundrels are— 

T. H: fSim.fShutup! 

Hoop: It's true, every word on it. An' they finally decided 
that Otto Sight should go intew ther room where Fl:\tan' th' gal 
was talkin' an tell th' professor thet a man outside wanted ter see 
im. Then after Flat weat down. Silver Bill waz ter entice 'im 
ter ther bank uv ther Hudson an' then knock 'im on ther head 
with a Populist club. He was only ter hit him hard enough ter 
lay 'im up fer two er three weeks, so Otto Sight could persuade 
Lizzie ter marry him by givin' her a face powder in her coffee 
We waited till the New York sport started up ter Flat's room an 
then we nabbed 'im. 

T.H: tSim.t That's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing 
but the truth. 

(Otto shakes fist, tries to escape C, but T. H. recapture.) 

MissFitt: Then my suspicions were correct, and Otto Sight 
really is a villain of the deepest dye. Now my course lies plain 
before me. ■ 
(Rumpus without. Quick music, soft and low.) 



30 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

Ful: Otto Sight, you're a contemptible scoundrel, sir, a con- 
temptible scoundrel, and if you were rightly dealt with, you 
should be thrown into jail, sir, thrown into jail. Yes, sir. 

(Quick music, loud. Enter Prof . followed Eliz. Prof, presents 
a rather ripped-up-the-back, appearance, and carries the bandage 
from his eyes.) 

t Prof: Well, boys, it's all over. I absolutely refuse to try;to win 
that freak for a wife ! 

CURTAIN. 
Three Hoboes: What! Remember that tailor bill. Would 
you break your promise? 

Prof: Well, that face is enough to break glass and crockery, 
mnch less promises. And now, if you decide to drop this mat- 
ter, and allow me to live on in peace, an old bachelor, I'll carry 
on my inventing the same as heretofore and live here at the Por- 
ter House; but on the other hand, if you insist, I'll move to New 
York to live and give Brightsville the cold shoulder. Now 
which'll you have shoulder, or Porter House? 

CURTAIN. 




I 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 31 

Bet f f ir. 

VESTIBULE OF THE MUGG MANSION ON THE BANKS 6F THE 
ST. JOHNS RIVER.— MORNING. 

[At rise, chorus by Miss Fitt, Lotta Fellers, Adeline More, 
Elizabeth Unit, and Cole Black.] 

[After chorus, exit Cole, R.] 

Lot: Oh, girls, I've got the loveliest new beau! You just 
ought to see him ! 

M. F : Let me think ! That makes just a dpzen you've had in 
the last month, dozen it? 

Lot: Yes, it dozen. But really, this one is the nicest of all. 
He's going to take Adeline and me out for a sail this morniug. 
Won't you go along? 

M. F: Well, what is it?— a bargain sale? 

Lot: No. 

M. F: Then I can't go. I've got too much time on my hands 
now to go yachting on a beautiful morning like this. 

Ad. and Lot: Oh, that's too bad ! 

Ad : Now, I really ought to write a few letters before we go, 
but I can do that when we get back. 

Ad. and Lot: Good bye, good bye! (Exit, L.) 

(During conversation, enter Cole, begins dusting and putting 
things to rights.) 

M. F: It doesn't hardly seem as though a mouth had passed 
since we left Brightsville, does it? 

Eliz : No, but still it is true. I wonder what has become of 
Otto Sight. Our ruse was very successful and now you have 
decided, I suppose which 

M.F: [Placing finger on lips.] S-s-sh! Don't breath a word 
about that yet. Even mules have ears. But the professor pro- 
mised me he'd come here on a visit, soon,and if he intends to get 
here before the summer's out, he'd better hurry up. 

Eliz: Why, havn't you heard? 

M.F: Heard what? herd of cattle? 

Eliz: This is no time for joking. The professor started on his 
trip yesterday, and expected to arrive here this morning, but the 
train he was on was wrecked and he was instantly crushed to 
death and buried in the debris. 

M.F: llStarting ingreatagitation.il What! Oh, heavens, how 
terrible! (Great agitation. Then masters herself, and assumes a 
lighter air.] Poor professor! Oh, well, I suppose the wreck 
was too much train on his delicate constitution. 

II Yacht whistles without. Numerous and vigorous. Ii 

Eliz: Oh, there's that yacht whistle again. I guess the girls 
just merely went out on a toot from the way it sounds. ||Rising.|| 



32 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

Well I'll run down to the landing. Maybe I have yet time to 
catch the yacht and have a ride. 

„^ , . . , II Exit rear. li 

IJCoIe IS vigorously plying a brush to the furniture.il 
Miss Fitt; IITurning.il Well, Cole, 1 see you're out for the dust. 
Cole: Yes'm, Yes'm, I'se out fo' d' dust. Oh, yes, indeedy 
I'se out fo'd' dust. 

(Accidently knocks clock from table to floor) 

M. F: What are you doing? Trying to kill time? Why, you 
don't know how to dust. Here give me that, (Reaches for brush) 
and I'll show you how it ought— 1| Glances at brush.!! Why, what 
a peculiar brush. 

Cole: fEnthusiastically.t Yes, 'm, yes, 'm. Dat bresh has got a 
hist'ry , missy, dat bresh has, fo' suah. 

Miss Fitt; A history? 

Cole: Yes, ma'm. One day w'en mah great-great-gran'-pap 
was out onto d'plains in d' Fah West, he bed a bresh wif d' Indians 
Well, dis am d' same ole' bresh ! 

^^. ^ tExitR.Ct 

Miss Fitt: tAfterapause.t Why, that sassy nigger. But O. 
I can't help thinking of the poor old professor. What a horrible 
death! And he wasn't half a bad fellow! fDraws a bill from 
bosom.t I guess I'll send Cole out for a copy of the "Morning 
Wall Paper," so I can read the particulars of the wreck. 

tMoney in hand, she turns towards rear door, which is cover- 
ed by curtains.^ 

Miss Fitt: ^Calling as if servant were behind curtain.| Come 
here. Cole. 

tEnter Prof. Lectric Carr.J 

Prof: ^Fanning with hat.| I ain't Cole, I'm hot. 

Miss Fitt; Heavens! You here, professor? I thought you 
were dead. 

Prof: No, but my clothes are quite faded, and I'm going to 
dye tonight. So you thought I was dead ? 

Miss Fitt: That's what I was told. 

Prof: Goin' to spend that to see if I was dead, were you? 

Miss Fitt: Yes 

Prof: tBrief silence. Then snatching bill and pocketing it.t 
Well, I AM dead. 

Miss Fitt: But professor, how did you escape from the wreck 
unhurt. 

Prof: Why, I didn't come on the railroad at all. I came on 
my latest invention, my air ship. Oh, l" had a high time. But 
tEagerly.l you don't seem very glad to see me? 

Miss Fitt: tSadly.| Yes, I'm glad to see you, but yesterday I 
lost a very near and dear tooth, and I feel very sad today. 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 33 

Prof: Oh, lost a very near an :l dear tooth, did you? Feel sad 
today? I'm so sorry. Can I do anything for you? 

MissFitt: Well, you might do something sad. I think it 
would do me good. 

Prof: Do something sad? Whafll I be? 

Miss Fitt: Be a tramp. 

Prof: Be a tramp? A sad tramp? All right. [Assuming a 
plaintive tone, advances with outstretched hand.] Please gimme 
something to eat, missus, please gimme something to eat. I've 
only had three square meals today. I'm tryln' to get home to 
my poor wife and children, so I won't have to work any more. 

MissFitt: (Pityingly.) Why, you poor man! You must be 
half-starved. Here, take this pie. [Hands him pie.] I know it's 
good, for I baked it myself. [Drops pie in handing it. It falls 
with a dull, sickening thud. Prof, stares a moment, and then 
turns disgustedly.] 

Prof: Oh, say, let's play something else. But really, you 
don't seem very glad to see me back. I don't believe you are 
glad to see me back, I know what I'll do. (Draws and examines 
revolver.) I'll go out and shoot myself. 
•|Miss Fitt runs after him, crying, t "No, no, no!" 
ilHe exits. Report outside imm ediately. Miss Fitt shrieks. 
Enter Prof., with a bottle of beer frothing over at top. II 

Prof: (Attitude.) Have one with me? (Pouring out a glass- 
-ful to Miss Fitt.) 

llMiss Fitt in great surprise, sinks into a chair. I! Oh, heavens, 
this is too much. 

Prof: Well, you can leave what you don't want. But say 
Cinderella, 

Miss Fitt: Please don't call me Cinderella. 

Prof: All right. Cinders. I wish I knew what to do with my 
revolver. 

Miss Fitt: Well, why don't you let it go off and have a good 
time! [Silence a mommit.] 

Prof:* Isn't that funny! tLaughs.f But no, I can't do that. But 
I'll tell you what I can do. I'm as dry as a fish myself, and my 
revolver's empty, too, so we'll just take this bottle of — ice water, 
and both go out and get loaded. 

(Pauses. Exit on quick music.) 

(Enter at same time. Cole Black.) 

Cole: Dey's five gem'men down here fo' t' see yo', missy, 
an' dey saj' fo' me t' bring dis yar kyard in f youse. ^Extends 
car d,:}: 

Miss Fitt : Five gentlemen to see me ! There must be some 
mistake. That must be Lotta Fellers they want to see. I never 
have more than two visit me at one time. 



34 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

Cole : I ast dat ar my ownse'f, butdey swar to d' Lawd de want 
fo't' see youse. Read whut it sez on d' kyard, missy. 

MissFitt: Good idea! I'll raise your wages for that, llReads.|| 
"It is our turn. We are here on a Summer Outing. We are the 
people. We are the hot things, Signed, Fuller Tawk and the 
Village Crowd." What ! the village crowd here on a summer out- 
ing? Why, show them immediately. 

Cole: [Bowing out.l Yes, missy, I show 'em in, I show 'em 
in. 

(Exit, R.) 

MissFitt: I hope the girls will get back from their yachting 
trip soon. They and the Three Hoboes from Hoboken can en- 
joy themselves hugely. 

(Tragedy music. Enter Prof.] 

Prof: (Tragically.) I fear I am lost, lost ! How, shall I tell me 
child! They are still in me feetsteps! 

MissFitt; What? Your shoes? 

Prof: [Laughingly.] Why, you awful thing. But to speak in 
earnest. Otto Sight is here in the town. I saw him myself not 
more than a minute ago. 

MissFitt: (Reflectively.) Ho, ho! Otto Sight and the Vil- 
lage Crowd here at the same time ! Maybe they're together. 
This means something. [To professor.] Whom did you see 
him with ? 

Prof: (Looking at her, strangely.) With my eyes, of course. 

Miss Fitt: I mean, was he with anyone? 

Prof: tQuickly.l No. 

Miss Fitt: Well, find him again, and don't let the young cur 
out of your sight for an instant. 

Prof: Cur-rect. 

tExit, L. C,t 

Miss Fitt: And now for the boys of Brightsville. 

IIQuick music. Enter the Village Crowd, Fuller Tawk, and 
Cole, who stations himself at door.ll 

Miss Fitt; Why, my dear friends, I'm awfully glad to see you 
I was never so surprised in all my life. How are you, anyhow? 

Village C: ||Shout to the tune of "Over the Fence Is Out."i| 
We're all alive and kicking! 

MissFitt: JRecoiling.l Oh,that strain seems strangely famil- 
iar to me! fRecovering.f But you gentlemen must be quite 
tired out with your long journey on the railroad, What line 
might you have come on, anyhow? 

Fuller Tawk: Well, we might have come on the fish line 

Herrmann: Or dot clothes line 

Ben Thayer: Or the telegraph line 

Howiand Yell: Or on the tape line 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 35 

Hooper Up: Or on the line of battle 

All: But we didn't. 

Herrmann : No, ve game on dose ships dot pass in der night. 
(All this done very rapidly.) 

Miss Fitt: (Aghast.) And these people live in the country! 
But excuse me for keeping you waiting, gentlemen. You must 
be quite fatigued and wish to get quickly to your rooms to rest. 
Cole! 

Cole: §Advancing.§ Yes, missy. 

Fuller Tawk: [Waving him back.] Hold on! Not yet! 
B-b-b-r-r-r! First of all we wish to tell you of the latest and 
most absorbingly interesting piece of news now extant. All 
Brightsville is shaken to the very core, to the very core, mj^ dear 
young lady, by the sudden and absolute disappearance of Miss 
Elizabeth Unit. The very day you and your maid left Brights- 
ville she disappeared as completely as if the earth had opened 
and swallowed her up. There is a large reward oflFered for any 
information as to her whereabouts, but the strangest part of the 
whole affair is that there is no one, absolutely no one, my dear 
miss, who can furnish the least clue which would lead to her dis- 
covery. 

§Enter Otto Sight, suddenly.§ 

Otto Sight : That's a mistake ! 

Herrmann: UStarting, as do all others. Ii You! 
(Enter Prof. Hides in nich in wall.) 

Otto: Yes. And I repeat it, when you say that absolutely 
no one can give the least information as to the whereabouts of 
Elizabeth Unit, you mistake. There is someone who can give 

that information. And that person is myself! fSurprise 

among the listeners.^. The lady was spirited away by my audac- 
ious cousin, Prof. Lectric Carr. And he even now has he*- hid- 
den away, and is at this moment endeavoring to force her to 
marry him, so that he may receive the fortune wliich rightfully 
should belong to me. 

llProf: Hidden in rich highly excited. Rolls up sleeves, 
and at this cue, rushes out. Otto Sight sees him, and makes 
quick exit, followed by Prof.ll 

Herrmann: fLooking all around.f Undt vere iss OddoSightd? 

Miss Fitt: He's out o' sight. I easily see through the fellow's 
game. He's still hard at work trying to blast the professor's 
reputation. And I hope none of you will believe a single word 
of what he just said. 

Three Hoboes: Of course hot. fExit Her. and Ful., rear.f 

Miss Fitt: (Looking out of doorway.) Now, I suppose you 
are all acquainted with my young lady friends who were with me 
at Brightsville. And as they are with me now, I want to give 



30 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

you a piece of g-ood advice. Cultivate them. They're nice girls, 
none better. And, besides, they're noted for their good nature 
and non-quarrelsomeness, especially their non-quarrelsome- 
ness. Here they are now. 

fEnterthe girls, squabbling among themselves. t 

Lotta: Now you know he said 1 was the prettiest! 

Adeline; 1 don't know any such thing! I'm perfectly sure 
it was me he meant ! 

Helena; And I know positively it was neither of you two, but 
me alone he referred to. 

Adeline; He didn't ! 

Helena: He did ! 

Lotta: He didn't. 

Miss Fitt: Girls! 

JThe girls catch sight of the Three Hoboes. t 

Lotta: Well, of all things! 

Adeline; You dear boys. Natural as life ! 

Helena: Why, I'm awfully glad to see you. 

Miss Fitt: (Tlrls! 

Helena: How are all the dear old jays down at Brightsville, 
anyhow? 

Miss Fitt: Come here, girls. 

Adeline: Why, tell us all about it. When did you get in? 

Miss Fitt: flnipatiently.:?: Girls, do you liear me? 

ITheyturn. She takes them aside. i 

Miss Fitt: Those Three Hoboes from Hoboken are well heeled, 
girls, and if they happen to ask any of you to be their life partner 
or that they would like to have you help them in this hard battle 
of life, or any of that sort of chaflf, it might be a good thing to 
take them up. A word to the wise (Wink.) 

tCjirls nod, and return to Three Hoboes. $ 

Lotta: Eh, wouldn't it be a good plan, don't you think 

dear boys, to go out and see the grounds, and the river, and the 
yachts, and all the beautiful things we have out here? 

Ben Thayer: Well, I don't know but what it would be a good 
scheme. Don't you think so, boys? 

Other Two: Why, of course, 

Ben Thayer: Well, here goes, then ! 

(Lotta takes Ben's arm, Adeline Howland's, and Helena 
Hooper's.) 

(Exeunt, laughing and talking.) 

!! Enter Herrmann and Fuller Tawk.il 

Fuller: B-b-b-r-r-r! Lovely grounds you have here, my dear 
miss, lovely grounds you have here, and so extensive, too. Why, 
this last tramp, combined with our long railway journey, has 
really tired us completely. Herrmann and 1. Cole, will you show 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 37 

us to our rooms? We are ready now. 

Cole: Yes, sah; Yes, sah; right dis way, gem'men, right dis 
way. llStarts L.|| 

MissFitt: UPointing R.|| The other way Cole. Give the girls 
a chance! fExeunt R.f 

MissFitt: Ah ! verily, the village person is a queer bird. He 
may be keen as a hawk, he may have the perception of an 
Eagle, but in spite of this, he will always be always a jay. 

fSeveral shots without. Enter Prof, revolver in hand.f 

Prof; JExcitedty.l Say, have you seen Otto Sight? 

MissFitt: fAlso excitedly.f Why, no! What's the matter 
with him? 

Prof: Well, there's nothing the matter with him yet. But I'm 
looking for him. Why, the idea of that man accusing me of ab- 
ducting that old horror. I can see her terrible face now. B-b-r-r! 
away, away, awful vision, away ! B-b-r-r! Ugh! Oh, if I only 
had Otto Sight here now ! Lf he were only some place where I 
could reach him, I'd 

Voice from behind C. curtain: fBen Thayer.f Now I've got a 
proposition to make you. 

!!Prof: Astonished.il 

Voice: I'll come to the point right away. Will you be my 
partner for life? 

Prof : Otto Sight and an associate ! 

Voice: Oh, relieve this suspense, and tell me, will you help 
me on in this great battle? 

Prof: He's trymg to persuade someone to help him blast my 
reputation ! 

Female Voice: ILotta.f What great battle? 

Prof: A woman ! 

Male Voice : This great battle of life. 

Female : O, Ben , this is so sudden ! 

tVolley of kisses. Prof .growing more and more excited, rushes, 
at this cue, and draws open curtains on C. door. There on a long 
bench sits the Three Hoboes from Hoboken, and the Up-To- 
Date Girls. Each of the Hoboes has great sploth of powder on 
coat.:}; 

CURTAIN 



38 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

TABLEAU TWO . 

MUGG MANSION'S VESTIBULE, ON THE ST. JOHN RIVER'S 
BANKS. 

II At rise, enter Prof, and Ful, L|| 

Ful : B-b-b-r-r-r ! Professor, what do you thing of the strange 
disappearance of Miss Elizabeth Unit, sir, what do you think of 
this most extraordinary occurrance? 

Prof: Well, to tell you the truth, I don't think anything about 
it, and I care a whole lot less. When it comes to marrying any- 
thing, I consider, as compared to her, a baboon as a great deal 
better thing. 

Ful : Yes, and I understand you've got your eye on a great 
deal better thing. 

Prof: Well it's not a baboon. No; I confess that I have form- 
ed quite an attachment, of late, for our friend Miss Fitt. I am 
quite undecided whether to ask her to have me or not. I've 
thought hard on the mattor several times, but I forget now 
what I thought. There's only one thing left for me to do. I'll 
have to think it over. §Exit C.J 

Ful: Why do I linger here in the land of flowers, when long 
e'er this I should have been back at work with my partners in 
the city? But the place is so delightful, the people so interest, 
ing, that I can hardly tear myself away. But the best of friends 
must part, and I fear I can not remain many days longer. 

llEnter Prof., L.|| 

Prof: [Holding up a corn popper.] Well I've decided, I'm 
goin' to pop. 

Ful: So! so! And when do you intend to broach the subject 
the buxom Miss Fitt? 

Prof: Well, I don't know. Shall I go and find her right away 
and determine my fate at once? Oh, what's the use? No use! 
No: I'll wait awhile, and to steady my nerves, I'll get a glass of 
water and a stomach cake, or something a little stronger. 

Ful: Ahem! B-b-b-r-r-r! I think I am in need of a little 
stimulant myself, my dear sir, so I'll just go along with you. 

tExeunt R. C.f 

JEnter M. F. and Hel.if 

Hel : Yes. We girls are going to begin rehersals today for our 
grand lawn fete. It will be a magnificent affair, among the beau- 
tiful roses, and palms, and magnolias. Don't you think so, dear? 

Miss Fitt: Undoubtedly, but my dear girl, look me straight in 
the eye. 

Helena: Yes. tShe does sot 

Miss Fitt: (Slowly and deliberately.) Now answer me truly. 
Why— did— you— tell— me — that— Prof, — Lectric — Carr — had— 
been— killed— in— a— railroad— wreck? 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 39 

Helena: fLaughing merrily .f Oh, that? Why, I just did that 
for a cod. 

Miss Fitt : Well, I thought it sounded rather fishy. 
§Closing bars of a song floats in through the door.§ 

Helena: There '.The girls have begun rehearsing already. I 
must hurry, or I shall certainly be late. Olive oil ! 

Miss Fitt: I wonder if that malicious Otto Sight is still prowl- 
ing about here. I'd like to give him a piece of my mind, 

II Walks out of rear door and looks R and L.|| 
tEnter Prof., R.| 

Prof: Well. I never was so thirsty before in all my life. There 
is nothing more to drink in the house but water. 1 don't see 
water man's going to do. Hello, there's a bunch of keys, tOn 
table.J I'll look and see, maybe I can find a whis-key. 
tM. F. advances.! 

M. F: Hello, professor. 

Prof: fStrangelyli. Hello. 

§Silence, M. F. sits.ll 

Miss Fitt: Anything the matter, professor? 

(Prof, advances clumsily, falling over a potted plant). 

Prof: Miss Fitt, I've got something of vital importance to 
say to you, and I'm not going to beat about the Anhauser-Bush. 
I— ah— somehow, the more I've seen of you, the more I like you, 
and— and— I want you to— (Whispers) Now, what do you say? 

(Orchestra cue. Strain from "Do, do, My Huckleberry Do." ) 

Prof: Taat's good advice. 

Miss Fitt: (Aside.] Well, I might do worse. I'll risk it. [To 
Prof.] Professor, I yield to your wishes, I'll be yourn. 

Prof: Oh, thank you! thank you! thank you! You'll never 
regret it. You shall have horses and carriages, and cows and 
pigs and all your heart desires. You shall have^ — 

(Enters T. H. talking— Prof, yet on knees, begins to busi- 
ly tie Miss Fitt's shoestring.] 

Prof: [Looking at her foot.] Are you from Chicago? 

Ben: We came in to tell you that we're going down town to 
take in the sights. 

Miss Fitt : Well you want to look out that you don't get taken 
in yourselves. A very tough crowd hangs out there, and if they 
once lay hands on you, they'll very likely rob you of every cent 
you have to your name, and do you up pretty badly besides. 
Many a man has been caught the same way. 

Ben: Oh, you needn't worry about us. We're able to take 
care of ourselves. -'Just Tell Them That You Saw Us." 
(Exeunt T. H.. rear.) 

Miss Fitt: Well, they're going out for a good time. 

Prof: Yes and now that they're gone, won't you nam.e the 



40 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." , 

happy day, when we shall be made one. Ws shall have a wed- 
ding banquet fit for the gallery-gods. When shall it be, next 
month or Christmas eve? 

Miss Fitt: Neither. It shall be this very afternoon, as soon as 
we can get a minister. 

Prof. What! 

Miss Fitt: Now don't make any remonstrance, dear boy; I 
have a certain reason for this which I will divulge later. It's all 
right. 

Prof: Oh. this is so sudden! But I don't care. The sooner 
the quicker. Let us away, away, and be united. 

(Chorus and^ exeunt.) 

SPECIALTIES, 

[After specialties, enter Prof, and Rev. G. C] 

Rev. G. C; Oh, such a lovely day, Mr. Carr, such a lovely day 
to be united in the holy bands of wedlock. Have you ever 
thought how the good Lord has looked after every little- 
Say, I want that cash ! 

Prof: Cash! What cash! 

Rev: Why my fee for marrying you. 

Prof: Fee ! Great heavens', I don't see what I'm going to do. 

Rev: I'd like to know why not. 

Prof: Why, I havn't got a cent myself and my wife lost her 
pocketbook with all her ready money in it, a few moments ago. 
The Three Hoboes are the only ones who have any money and 
they've gone down to the village to see the sights. The only 
possible thing we can do is to wait for them. 

Rev: I do believe they're coming now. And I shall have my 
fee, then, after all. 

(Orchestra cue, ''Comrades, Comrades." Enter Three Ho- 
boes, clothing tattered and turn— pockets insidv out.) 
CURTAIN. 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 41 

TABLEAU THREE. 
SCENE, ON THE ST. JOHN RIVER'S BANKS. MORNING ROOM 
OF THE MANSION OF THE MUGG'S, 

(At rise: Miss Fitt and Three Hoboes— former standing- 
latter sit) 

Miss Fitt: The orange, gentlemen, is the typical fruit of this 
beautiful land. Growing amidst the laughing and dancing wild 
tlowers, basking in the tropical warmth of the matchless Florida 
sun, forming a verdant resting place for the fluttering golden 
butterflies, it seems to embibe all the delightful sweetness of the 
balmy scented air, the dainty blossoms, the delicate magnolias, 
and the fragrant blushing roses. In its original living state on 
the tree, the orange may be faultfully likened to the Summer 
Girl of our more northern clime, for 

It has leaves in great profusion,— that for finery she wears, 
It has smoothness, O such smoothness— that's for speech, 
It has sweetness overflowing,- shat's for manner, when with 

beau. 
She gaily trips along the sandy beach. [thin,— 

Its pulp is made much sweeter by a cov'ring tight and 
The maid is made the same, when by the sea. 
'Tis very soft, the orange ; 
Yes, 'tis soft as soft can be,— 

And the Summer Girl. 

Don't mention it. Oh dear boys, there's nothing like it. 
Hoi : Well, that may be all very well, ez fur ez it goes, but in 
my mind peelin' a orange is er skin game. Wen it comes right 
down tew grub, I want suthin' more substantial. 

Ben : [Piping up.] Yes, an' I wouldn't mind hevin' suthin' ter 
eat right now, seein' ez we hain't foddered since dinner time. 
M. F: Why, that's so. (Presses electric button.) 

[Enter Cole, R.] 
M. F: See that lunch is prepared immediately for these gen- 
ftlemen, Gole. 

Cole; (Starting off.) Yes. missy, 

(Enter Prof. R.) 
Prof; And say, Cole, 
C; Yes. sah. 

Prof; I'd like to have door jamh on my bread. 
C : Yes, sah; a'right sah. Yo' want it spread on bofe sides, sah? 
Prof: Well, yes, and you can take it up stairs in the sleeping 
iroom and make it a bed spread. 
C: Yes, sah; a'right, sah. 
Prof: And Cole. 
C: Yes, sah. 



42 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

Prof: Be sure to have two or three lamps at my place at the 
table. 1 always like a light meal. (Exit Cole, L.) 

Hoop; I hope that nigger gets a hustle on the lunch. I'm 
holler as a drum. 

Prof: Well there's a bulldog out in the kitchen. If you're a^ 
so hungry, why don't you go out and get a bite? 

(Silence. Then T. H. rise. Another pause.) 

T. H: JSim.f We will. i| Another pause. 'Exeunt rear.; 

M. F: Say, professor, have you heard the latest news? 

Prof: No, what, is it? 

M.F: Why, father shot mother with a revolver yesterday 
morning and the bullet went clear through her head. 

Prof: 1 Well, she didn't'mind a little thing like that, did she? 

M.F: Oh. no. Why it went in one ear and out the 
other. 

Prof: Yes, mother always was that way. tConsults book.f I 
see that electric lights are being used now in almost every part 
of the civilized world. 

M. F: Isthatso? Why, I had no idea they were becoming 
that common. 

Prof: Oh, yee. Why, even the florist down town is going to 
put in a plant. 

^Enter T. H., R.$ 

Howl: Excuse us, but a stray bonfire just wandered into the 
house without knocking. What'll we do about it? 

M. F: What! a stray bonfire wandered into the house without 
knocking ? Why, go put it out at once. 

Prof: Yes, go put it out at once. 

T. H: Why, of course. llExeunt R.il 

M. F: You know that Mrs. Ebbsmith, don't you professor? 

Prof: Yes. 

M. F: Well, she just bought an elegant diamond ring. Oh, 
it's a beauty. 

Prof: Isthatso? Why. she's notorious. It must be a chip 
diamond. 

iEnterlT. H., R.J 

M. F: Well, what's the matter now? 

Hoop: Why, when we tried to put out that bonfire it got hpt 
in a minute, and the flames were going to lick us. 

M,F: Well, you shouldn't mind a little thing like that. Go 
fire it right oft". 

Prof: Yes. go fire it right off. 

T. H: Why of course. i^ExittoR.I 

tProf . sits at table and falls asleep. Miss Fitt shakes him.t 

M.F: CcMue. wake up. 



M.\3EE'3 "A Sa.VlVIER OJriN 3." 43 

Prof: §Sleeply.§ G'way. 

M. F: Come, now, you can do that some other time. 

Prof: Why, what's the matter with you ! This Jis s-leap year. 
tCuckoo clock on wall strikes .f 

M. F: I tell you what it is, dear boy, that clock's a daisy. 
isn'tjt? 

Prof: Well, I should say yes. Why it's a cuckoo. 

Miss Fittt You never saw a picture of me when I was young, 
did you, Jakey? 

Prof: No; I nefer hat dot bleasure, Rachael. 

MissFitt: Well, you've been talking to me so much about 
my beauty and your love and all that sort of thing, that I 
thought you might want to see one. That picture is of me. 
llPointing to picture on wall.H 

Prof: Oh, isn't it nice! I always liked those sweet, pretty in- 
fantile little pictures. I suppose it's a constant reminder of the 
days, many long, long, long, long years ago, when you were 
young. 

Miss Fitt: Yes, there isn't a day goes by, but what it comes 
in handy. (Quick music— Enter Cole, carrying ladder. Places 
ladder before picture, opens latter like a door, takes out two bot- 
tles, shuts picture, picks up ladder. Exit R. Professor stands 
and then exits after Cole.) 

Miss Fitt: [Picking a pair of gloves from C table.] Hello! I 
can't have this. I'll have to put these kids to bed. [Exit R.t 

§Enters Otto skulking.§ 

Otto: The coast seems to be clear for a moment. If I only 
knew where the lawyer's room is, so I could find the will. He 
has it locked in his valise,— but once I place my hands upon it, 
he shall neer see it more. With the will destroyed, I can safely 
claim the fortune as my own. Now to find the room . 

Approaches L door, nearlj' reaches it when Ful. steps in read- 
ing a paper— stands still. Otto starts for rear door— T. H. step 
through, reading paper, stand. Otto starts for L. C. door, Cole 
steps through, reading paper, stand. Otto starts for R. door. 
Her. steps through, reading paper, stand. || 

Ot: fAt bay.t Well gentlemen I fGlances up.f 

Her: Donnervetter nachemal! Otto Sightd, vot you dec 
here ad dis dimes off der nacht, eh, don'dt id? 

Otto: W^hy, I-er-thatis-a-ahem-I-I came to see Prof. Carr. 

Her: Veil you gan'dt see him now. 

Otto: Why not? Is he dead? 

Her: Vorse,— he's married. 

Otto: What! Married! married? My God! And the woman 
who was fool enough to marry him— who is she? 



44 MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 

Her: MissFidt! 

Otto: What! Miss Fitt! Is this really true? Why, when he told 
usatBrightsville that he Nvouldn't marry Elizabeth Unit on ac- 
count of her homliness, I thought he was working a bluff on me 
and was up to some little game. However if he's married Miss 
Fitt in earnest, I've got the whole field before me, and can marry 
Elizabeth Unit myself and get the cash. 

Her : By dot vay, speaking of Lissy Unit, no trace off her has 
efer yet peen found. You saidt dot der professor had shtole her 
vay, put so long as he's married soo Miss Fitt, he gand't haf her. 

Otto: That's true, curse the luck! And if he has not got her, 
then where on earth is Elizabeth UnitPfEnter M. F., R. sudn'lyf 

M. F: Right here, my child. tSilenceJ 

Otto : You ! No this must be a mistake. Why, you are Miss 
Fitt, herself! 

Miss Fitt: Know then, that Miss Pitt and Elizabeth Unit are 
one and the same. (Enter Prof., R. C.) 

Prof: That's the truth. She told me about it herself not more 
than ten minutes ago. (Exit Prof., R. C.) 

Ot: These two are one and the same! Why, what do you 
mean? 

M. F: Just this: When I recieved word of the death of my 
dear old friend. Earnest Mugg, and learned the conditions of his 
peculiar will, I immediately determined to hide my identity so as 
to discover which of the two persons named in the will was most 
worthy of my hand. I joined your party, Otto Sight, when you 
were going to Brightsville on the Summer Outing required in the 
will; and I induced my maid, Helena Bandbox, to disguise her- 
self with a horrible old maid outfit I once used in an amateur 
play. A day after our party arrived at the Porter House, my 
maid arrived in her novel make up and was duly installed as Miss 
Elizabeth Unit. My scheme worked well, as none of the peo- 
ple there had ever seen her, and did not know what I looked like. 
So 1 sat out to watch and take my choice of the two men by their 
actions in relation to Elizabeth Unit. I passing under the ficti- 
tious name of Miss Fitt. How well my idea succeeded you al- 
ready know. How I discovered one by one, the many little 
plots to take unfair advantage over the professor; how I induced 
Lectric Carr, while blindfolded to propose to my maid; how af- 
ter many little incidents of the same kind, I Idiscovered your 
plot. Otto Sight, to really do the professor bodily injury; How 
Elizabeth Unit was made to disappear by my made resuming 
her natural character while I still retained my assumed one, af- 
ter our departure, are all known facts of the first water. And at 
length I decided, sir, that of the two. Prof. Lectric Carr is much 
the better man, and that you are a scoundrel. Hence I have ac- 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 45 

acepted his offer, and am all ready his wife. 

Otto; And— and this is true? 

Miss Fitt: As grospel. 

Otto : Well, then I guess my cake is dough. 
^Enters Professor, R Ct 

Prof; Yes, and I've got the dough. 

Otto: Curse the luck! llWhiningly.'l But I ougut not to ex- 
pect anything else. It has always been this way with me. Luck 
has always been against me as long as I can remember. There 
is only one way to change it. I will take my own life. [Snatches 
knife from relic on wall.] Lectric Garr. you have beaten me. 
You always was a deadbeat. Farewell ! fPoises knife.f 

Prof; Hold! the pen is mighter than the sword. I'm afraid 
your hard breast might break the sword. [Hands him pen.] 

Otto ; Bah ! You talk as though I was the worst man on earth. 

M.F; Well, you ought to have been behind the bars long 
ago. (Those holding newspaper, shake them.) 

Her; Py de vay, shpeaking py pot, I haf readt, in dese baber 
dot you Otto Sight, are wanted in Seattle for bigamy, und you 
haf two vifes in udder barts off der gountry. |To others. | Vot 
shall ve doo abowt dot! Holt him, undt gif him oop soo de- 
ofiitcers! 

liOtto tries to escape— T. H. hold him|| 

Prof: Shall we? Oh, what's the use? No use! He can't do 
us any more harm, so we may as well let him go. 

M. F; Perfectly correct. Otto Sight, we have nothing more 
to say to you. There is the door. JExit Otto, rear.J 

Howl : And now that we got rid of that scoundrel, I— we— 
( Indicating T. H.) would like a little piece of advice. You see 
we— that is— well we've got a little money saved up and— and— 
ISEnter Up-To-Date-Girlsll 

The Girls: (Eagerly.) Yes,— and— 

Prof; IIDramatically.il Ha! Villians, I understand. You wish 
to rob these innocent girls of their names. Have you not heard 
base scoundrels, that the only thing a girl has in this world is her 
good name. But it's a good thing. 

M. F: Yes, go get married, and be happy— nit. 

Prof: And I must give you something as a gift. JDraws out a 

ige wooden ring. fBrokenly.J This is the same ring my 

)r old mother used to wear, when we were boys together, 
jre, divide it up among you. Bless you my children, bless you. 

^Enters Cole, breathlessly, rear.| 
'ole: tExcitedly.J 'Scuse me, sah, 'scuse me, but Otto Sight 
me climbed in to you aiah ship, and flew ug 'bout fo' miles, 
now he's stopped up dab, sah, an' hekaintgo no higher, no 



MAGEE'S "A SUMMER OUTING." 



He's stuck in mid-aiah, sah. 



46 

come down, one way or anuddah. 
way up, 'bout fo' mile. 

Prof: Well, that's a good place to leave him. 

MF: Yes, he's as near heaven now as he'll ever be. 

Prof : And now that everything has ended happily, will you all 
my friends, join my wife and I in a moonlight ride down the St. 
John river? 

All: S-U-R-E, sure, sure! 
Ensemble Specialty. 

(Curtains over rear door drawn back, revealing moonlight 
scene, with the steam launch, "Elizabeth Unit," ridmg quietly at 
anchor. 



CURTAIN. 



I 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




0014211 9109 # 



